


They Say The Ocean's Blue (But It's Black Right Now)

by s0joshdun



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: ???? - Freeform, AU, Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Death, Depression, Friends to Lovers, Illness, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love, M/M, Romance, Sad, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-04
Updated: 2017-09-16
Packaged: 2018-04-02 22:12:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 23,978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4075657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s0joshdun/pseuds/s0joshdun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler Joseph never goes out of his way to search for color. He knows the truth about it: the addictiveness, the danger. A ticking time bomb as it is, he doesn't want to add another thing to his plate. He's convinced that he doesn't need color in his life. He's convinced that color is what destroys everyone around him. He's convinced that he can live his life mellowly and in the shadows forever.<br/>That is, until he sees the color Blue for the first time.</p><p> </p><p>  <em>based on the prompt/au: "For your entire life you’ve only seen black and white, until you receive the first touch from your soulmate and color blooms before your very eyes."</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. They Say The Ocean's Blue

Everything is black and white. And I don’t mean that in the sense of between right or wrong, left or right. I mean black and white. In the most literal sense. The world is gray scaled. Some call it dull, but I call it normal. I don’t know anything else. Most of us don't, either. 

Everyone sees black and white. The “lucky” ones get to experience what we only learn about in school: color. If you look into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they’ve seen it or not. There are myths that trees are green and that the ocean is blue. People claim that the sky will turn pink and orange and green sometimes, too. I have trouble believing them. I always say that I’d believe it once I saw it for myself. 

But it’s not necessarily something I strive for. It’s something a lot of us are uneasy about. Or maybe it’s just me. Perhaps it’s my crippling fear of the unknown. I have nightmares about color. When I walk home from school I keep my head down and trained on my shadow.

In elementary school, a boy I hardly knew saw color. He was on top of the world everyday. So in love. It was a happiness that I couldn’t comprehend—an unattainable level. I saw in his features something I didn’t even know existed. I don’t see that expression in my parents—maybe they weren’t soulmates but they loved each other. Not enough to see color but they didn’t mind. They were happy. As happy as they could be.

The girl he fell in love with moved across the country the next year. The boy killed himself a little while after that. He was only twelve.

Maybe that’s where my fear came from. The possibility of something so wonderful coming into your life and then ripped away from you when you least expected it—it was so fragile. I didn’t want a part of it.

I sat down in the middle of my unmade bed, a tiny moleskin notebook in hand. I scribbled some thoughts down. Writing music made me happy. I didn’t need the color. I didn’t need the people or the friends or the relationships. I hummed to myself. This was enough. 

It had to be enough.


	2. Why Would You Even Make The Eyes?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just more introduction, filler stuff for the beginning :)  
> \-- to get a glimpse on Tyler's character and life and stuff.  
> yay thanks for reading!!

“How are you today, Tyler?” My therapist asked, leaning forward a little. Apparently a lot of people needed therapy. I had trouble really believing them, though; I was the only person in my family who went. 

I shrugged my shoulders and sighed a little. It was just another black and white day. Grey. Bland. Regular. Nothing special. Nothing out of the ordinary. Another day to pass through.

“Maybe you should start looking,” he suggested. My head shot up and my eyes widened at his words. 

“W-why would I do that?” He knew how I was. 

“Well, I think you’d be happier—”

“I am happy. I don’t need anything else,” I said. He shook his head a little like he disagreed. I could see it all in his eyes. He’s seen color before. But he wasn’t seeing it right now. I wondered what happened but I never asked. “I don’t need anyone else.”

Dr. Notman hummed. He wrote something down in his notes. “Tyler, the black and white is making you more depressed. You’re letting it sink into your brain. You’re letting the dullness win. You’re letting yourself become just as dull as this world.”

His words felt like a slap across the cheek. I wasn’t _letting_ anything happen. “It’s not on purpose,” I whispered, hurt. I sat back in the chair, sinking a little. My eyes stung. I imagined something blue falling out of them.

He frowned. “I’m sorry, Tyler. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

I shook my head and sniffed. “I’m safe. I’m _safe_.”

“That’s important, too. I know your family wants to see you live a little more though, Tyler. This is no way to live.”

I swallowed a pit in my throat and shook my head, blinking hard a few times in a row. “No way to live,” I repeated in a mumble.

“Have you tried talking to anyone at school?”

I shook my head glumly.

“I know you’re afraid. A lot of people are afraid, too, believe me you’re not the only one. But I think you could use some friends.”

“They don’t talk to me, either. It goes both ways. I can’t just suddenly start being everyone’s friend. We graduate in eight months, anyway,” I said. There was always an excuse. “I don’t want to be like them. I don’t want to go to parties and get drunk or high or some bullshit just to feel a little something extra. I can’t do that.”

Dr. Notman nodded. “Of course I’d never encourage that, Tyler, but—”

“Am I the only one who sees this?!” I shouted. Unnecessarily, maybe. But I couldn’t keep it in. I abruptly stood up. “You are all _idiots_!” I cried. “How can you not see how much this hurts us? How can you just be okay with this?” I screamed. I lifted my hands up and gripped my hair, my nails digging into my scalp. I imagined that if I could see it, I would be seeing red. I was seeing more black than anything, now. 

“Tyler, calm down—”

Instead of saying anything, I lifted my hand out so he could see. “They’re always shaking. I’m safe. I keep myself safe. My family isn’t safe. I am full of worry that nobody else seems to carry. I hold it all,” I said, my voice even, terrifyingly calm. Dr. Notman pursed his lips. 

“Your psychiatrist prescribed you anxiety medication—”

I growled a little. I had never acted up so much in a session before but I couldn’t take it anymore. “It makes me see white. I am not taking it,” I hissed. I turned and looked at the clock. We still had twenty minutes left. “Time’s up,” I said anyway. 

“Tyler, wait—” I stormed out and closed the door behind me. He couldn't make me stay. 

The receptionist stared at me with wide, color-seeing eyes. I shook my head again. I blinked hard a few more times in a row. I breathed in the dusty bleak air once I got outside. I sat down on the curb. I ran my hands up my face, stretching out my eyelids. Everything was fuzzy. 

I walked home later than I usually did. “Tyler, where have you been?” My mom asked. 

“I turned down the wrong street by accident. Sorry.” I started to head for my room.

“Dr. Notman called,” she sighed a little. I knew she was tired. I knew she was seeing a lot of grey right now. “Will you talk to me, please?”

I looked at her sadly and shook my head. “I don’t have anything to say. And I have a headache. So I’m going to sleep.”

“Tyler, please,” she tried. But I heard it in her voice: she wasn’t really trying. The dull world made her dull, too. 

I stared at my ceiling for a while. I tried not to think. The ceiling scared me, maybe even more than colors. It screamed at me. It kept me awake. By two in the morning, I rolled out of bed. It was going to be one of those nights. I stretched out my arms and slipped on shoes and a jacket. 

I hummed out loud as I snuck out through the back sliding door.

“I scream, you scream, we all scream, ‘cause we’re terrified…” I sang once I was a fair distance away from my house and deeper into the woods. I kicked a branch lightly and skipped around. I even twirled a little. I traced my hand along a trunk of a tree as I passed one. “…of what’s around the corner…” I found my usual spot, the clearing in the woods. I sat down with my legs crossed. “We stay in place, ‘cause we don’t want to lose our lives!” I leaned back and smiled at the sky—the part of it I could see through the trees. It was black. But it was actually supposed to be. I traced my fingers through the grass. “So let’s think of something better…”

I liked the night when I was in the forest. It was just how it was supposed to be. Black with twinkling white. “Down in the forest,” I sang lightly. “We’ll sing a chorus,” I rolled over so I was lying on my stomach. I picked at a few pieces of grass. I kicked my legs back in the air. “One that everybody knows…” I trailed off. 

“Nobody knows…” I mumbled. I rolled over again and squinted my eyes at the sky. I could see more of the trees and how they bent in the wind. Through my eyelashes, I only saw more black. All of the trees became darker, blending into the sky. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. They were supposed to be green.

I couldn’t find peace here anymore. I sat up and looked accusingly at the sky. I glared at the trees around me. 

Angry. I screamed at it. It was empty. It was all me; I was the only one here. I screamed. In the daytime, it was supposed to be blue. Green leaves with blue in between. I screamed again. I couldn’t stop the impulse to claw at my face. I imagined red. “God, _why would you even make the eyes_?!”


	3. Devote A Single Inch Of Me (To Something I Can't See)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more intro stuff oops  
> until  
> the ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> err possible triggers with family issues and brief mention of alcohol addictions

Time was hazy. It passed dully, just like the world around me. Grey. Black and white. A week passed. The scratches on my face and around my eyes were mostly healed. The looks my family gave me whenever I was around weren’t, though. 

Everything was a little brighter now. My mom made me take my anxiety pills every morning with her ever since she caught me sneaking out into the forest again. Everything was bright but also slow, too. I didn’t really think much—or maybe it was that I couldn’t. 

I woke up late this morning. It was a Saturday. I didn’t do much with my time on the weekends besides sleep and something involving music. Music was a lot like color, but with your eyes closed. I didn’t have to worry about it going away, either. 

“Zack, honey, I’m so happy for you,” I heard my mom crying softly downstairs. For the first time in a while, I could tell that it was a happy crying. I never understood why people cried when they were happy. I shook my head and blinked really hard a few times. 

“Thanks, mom. She’s really great. Everything’s just so… amazing… and I… I love it. I feel so different. I feel on top of the world,” he said, his voice jittery with excitement. My stomach dropped because I knew what this meant.

Zack was a goner. 

And yet, I couldn’t pick up a trace of anxiousness or fear in his voice. 

“That’s wonderful, baby.”

“You have the prettiest eyes, mom,” he said. I heard my mom laugh happily. I peaked around the corner and saw them hugging. She didn’t look worried at all either. It was only me. My hands were the only ones shaking in this house. Maybe even in this world. 

I felt sick. Dizzy. The treated this as some sort of… _coming of age_ thing. Some sort of… _life event_. “It’s just color,” I hissed to myself. _Just color_. It had to be. It couldn’t be something worth dying for. The kid that killed himself at twelve years old—his face flashed in my brain. The high and rising “mysterious” suicide rates reported in the news flashed in my brain, too. But it couldn’t be over _color_. It was just another thing to see. It was just another thing.

I blinked hard twice. 

They pulled away and Zack rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. “Yeah, so, uh, that’s kinda why I want to go to this party tonight… I know she’ll be there, and, yeah.” I snuck back around the corner so I couldn’t see them. So I could only listen. You didn’t need to see to hear. You didn’t need to see to feel. 

I subconsciously reached up and picked at the scab around my eyelid. _I didn’t need to see to feel_.

“I don’t want you drinking and driving though. See if your brother will take you,” I heard.

Zack paused before replying. “I guess. I don’t want him to know about this though. Not now at least. You know how he gets,” he mumbled. I swallowed the lump in my throat and blinked really, really hard a few more times. I shook my head. 

I heard my mom sigh lightly. “Yeah, I know. Go easy on him though, will you? He’s having a difficult time right now.” I swiped the burning salty tear off of my cheek before it made my scratches sting. 

“Yeah, I know. I just wish he wasn’t so negative about it all. But whatever. I’ll see if he’ll drive me. Maybe he’ll hang out for a bit there, too. Make some friends. It’s an open party. I know he won’t drink anyways.”

I blinked again. “That’s a good idea.”

“But I’m not taking care of him all night if he does something wack,” he added. I flinched a little and my face scrunched up. 

“Zack!” my mom whisper yelled. “He’s just upstairs. He’s your brother—”

“Yeah, yeah. Okay. So can I go?”

“Of course. Have fun and be safe.”

I shook my head again. I heard my brother wander off somewhere. I didn’t know what he did on Saturdays. I usually kept to myself. We didn’t really know each other as well as we used to. Back in the days when nothing really mattered, we’d roam a nearby creak together. Nowadays, I didn’t dare cross that creak with the fear that I’d drown. 

A few minutes passed and I decided to show my face. 

“Good morning, Tyler, honey!” my mom cheered when I slowly entered the kitchen. I forced a smile in her direction. 

“Hey,” I mumbled. 

“How are you feeling today?” she asked. She gently touched my forehead with her palm and brushed her hand through my hair. Moment later I had a glass of water in one hand and a few pills in the other. 

“Fine,” I said with a shrug. I mumbled a thanks as I took my pills. “Um, I’m going to go—”

“Tyler. Please don’t hide from me today.”

“I’m not—”

“I just want to talk to you a little. Come on, let’s sit down.” She grabbed my arm and led me over to the family room. We never sat as a family anymore. Maybe the rest of them did but I never participated. 

“Mom,” I sighed. I looked out the window. I blinked really hard and the grey started to blur and brighten. I let my eyes zone out a bit. I didn’t like to see. 

“Look at me?”

I tilted my head in her direction. I wouldn’t let my eyes focus. _‘You have the prettiest eyes, Mom’_ , Zack had said. I didn’t want to see them. I couldn’t see them. 

“I want to take you back to Dr. Notham,” she started. I sighed deeply. I was tired of this conversation.

“I don’t like him.”

“I know, but he’s _really_ good, Tyler.”

“No, he’s not mom. I don’t like talking to him. I don’t like talking to anyone. I don’t need to talk. It doesn't help.”

She sighed. “What if we take you to the psychiatrist again?”

“ _Mom_ ,” I growled a little. Her eyes widened. I wondered what color they were but I never asked. “Just let me be. I don’t need any of this.”

“Well you need something Tyler!” she started to shout. I flinched. “I’m sick of this! I’m sick of the tip toeing around you. I’m sick of the quiet. I’m sick of the grey in your eyes. I’m sick of the sick.” 

I winced and leaned away from her. It was like how I felt last week at my session with Dr. Notman. I was hurt. Blamed. Minimized. 

“I’m sorry Tyler. I just want you back.”

“I’m still here,” I whispered. “Please just, stop this. I don’t want this,” I shook my head and blinked hard again. “I don’t want to be medicated. I don’t want to talk about this. I’m s-sorry.” I stood up and backed away from her.

“Tyler, I’m sorry. I don’t know how to handle this,” she cried softly. Unlike from her conversation with Zack, these were sad tears. I was more comfortable with this kind. 

“Just—” I shook my head again. I had to do what I did best: pretend. Pretend like I was okay. Pretend that things didn’t bother me. Keep it together for my family. 

The last thing I wanted was to tear my family apart; the last thing I wanted was to leave a bad impression on my brother. 

\--

About midday, while I was lying in the back yard humming, Zack finally had come up to me. He tried—he actually tried more than my mom did. I sent him apologies into his color-seeing eyes. Apologies for how I acted. 

More apologies for his fate—one that he didn’t even recognize. He had no idea that he would be a goner, too. 

“Hey, Ty,” he had said, sitting down in the grass next to me. 

“Sup?” I tried to act casual. I knew his secret. I could see him shielding it from me. 

“I was wondering if you’d drive me to a party later? And you can stay too. You’d be able to talk to some people and have some fun,” he said. He cracked a small grin.

“Yeah… fun…” I murmured. I didn’t know much about fun. “I’ll drive you Zack.”

“And you’ll stay for a bit too?” he asked. His face was hopeful. Maybe because he was seeing color right now. Could he see how grey I was? What did I look like to him? 

“Um, I guess,” I said awkwardly. I swallowed thickly. I didn’t know much about parties or socializing. I didn’t know if I’d be welcomed there. I didn’t have problems with people at school but they didn’t necessarily go out of their way to be nice to me, either. But maybe I owed it to Zack and the rest of my family to break out of my misery a little bit. 

\--

The party was dull. Of course it was. I could see everyone else seeing the color all around them. Someone offered me a drink. I denied because I had car keys in my hand. I also denied because I didn’t want a taste of it. I didn't want to slip into the trap that they all were in. The color hangover was not one I’d handle well. 

The fake happiness in the room was suffocating. They drank obsessively to _see_ , but in the morning life would be grey again. I noticed my brother with a girl—both of them weren’t drinking, either. Because they saw it and felt it without the additional boost of alcohol. The “lucky” ones.

It was all a game. A game to see if you spent a night with color and woke up with it still there. I heard the stories in school, though. Almost never did it work out. Everyone they’d meet at night they’d wake up so bland the next day. 

I didn’t want a part of it. Of course I didn’t. I ran my hand up my neck and took a shaky breath. It was hard to breathe in here. I was the one grey soul in the room. I slipped out through the back door and walked back to the street.

I sat down on the curb a couple feet away from my car, which was parked a few houses away from the party. The night was dark. My anxiety medication was wearing off and I didn’t know if I liked how things looked now or not. I really just didn’t like how anything looked ever. Dr. Notman had been right. The dull world was making me dull. I was sinking. I was as good as a hole in the ground. 

I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. I could hear the house party blaring. I was surprised that cops weren’t around. People said that when cops came, they flashed blue and red lights. I imagined them in my head but I couldn’t quite catch the colors. I had a lot of trouble with the blue, especially.

“Same, dude.” I jumped a little at the sound of another voice. My eyes took a few seconds to adjust, but they still were zoned out and staring at the concrete—distant. I blinked hard. The person chuckled easily. I liked the sound. It was a hopeful, friendly sound. Not too friendly. Not a color-seeing sound. “Night’s rough,” he continued. “Mind if I sit here with ya?” 

“Er, no, sure, yeah,” I said quietly, scooting over a little. I finally broke my stare with the ground. I knew enough about human interaction that it was rude to not look at who was trying to talk to you. I blinked hard again and turned my head, offering a wary smile. 

Light blue. A wispy color. Like the ocean. More calm though. Like a sea.

I looked at him curiously, too shocked to even feel fear. 

Because, suddenly, my eyes and my brain both saw the blue with such ease.


	4. I Start To Part Two Halves Of My Heart In The Dark

The initial shock wore off fast. The blue made me feel like I was underwater, drowning. I blinked hard to wash some of it out. To see if the color would go away.

It didn’t.

I swallowed thickly. “Uh, er, hi?” I tried. My heart pounded. I always heard that when you saw something beautiful, your heart rate increased but it was in a good way. This didn’t feel good though. It felt like my heart was smashing against my rib cage. Trying to escape. I didn’t blame it.

I didn’t blame my heart for wanting to make like a bullet and split through my skin to escape. His brown eyes were more than brown. Yellow spilled around the edges of his irises. They were like stars. 

I felt dizzy. I was really, _really_ seeing stars. All of them. In the sky. I saw the colors even in the black of the night. The night was so much more than black and twinkling white. The brown eyes were so much more than brown.

I let my eyes wander to the center of his eyes—the pupils. They were dilated. I knew what that meant. These eyes haven’t seen color. These eyes _weren’t_ seeing color. These eyes were still in the dark. 

I choked on air, my breath hitching. My heart gave up from trying to escape and I swear it stopped beating for a second. It pulsed miserably in my chest.

“Are you okay?” the colorful boy asked. The world was lighting up around him. Around me. Around us. 

And he wasn’t seeing it. 

I didn’t know that something like this could happen.

“I, uh,” I blinked hard again. I couldn’t stop myself. I shook my head. I said the first thing that popped into my head. “I a-accidently drank too much,” I mumbled. “And this is my car that I can’t drive anymore.” I was surprised that I was able to come up with the lie. I wasn’t sure if it passed very well. 

It gave me an excuse to say the second thing that popped into my head: “I like your hair.” 

He chuckled. His eyes lit up even more than before. His face crinkled happily. “Thanks! I got really drunk one time and decided I wanted color in my hair. Even though I can’t see it on a regular basis, but hey, for anyone’s enjoyment, I guess,” he said. He winked and nodded at me. _For my enjoyment, tonight_ , his eyes said. 

“Th-that’s too bad that you can’t see it. It’s really cool,” I said. He laughed again.

“Yeah well,” he shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe one day.” He smiled gently. “Can I help you get home? Are you okay?”

I felt guilty for the lie. But I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to operate the car with how much my hands were shaking. And my head was starting to spin. The color was overwhelming. I closed my eyes, forgetting about answering his question. But not forgetting about him. The blue was all I could see behind my eyelids. 

“Yeah, okay, maybe I should help you get home. I’m sober,” he said, his voice changing into a worried tone. I must have started to sway in my spot—delusional, not drunk, but he didn’t know the difference—because he wrapped his arms around my body to hold me steady. “C’mon buddy,” he whispered a little and heaved me up. I opened my eyes and the color was still too much. The dizziness was too much. The ache surging through my body was too much.

“Thanks,” I mumbled when we were standing up. I leaned against my car sloppily and sighed. He kept his hand lightly on my elbow, ready to catch me if I fell. I wanted to be sick at the thought of falling. 

“What’s your name?” he asked. 

“T-Tyler.”

“Nice to meet you Tyler. I’m Josh,” he said. 

“Josh,” I repeated in a low murmur. “Hi.” He chuckled again. I liked the sound. I hated that I liked the sound. 

I’ve heard people laugh before. I’ve never felt someone laugh before. Not like this. 

“Okay, then, Tyler, can I have your keys? I’ll drive you home,” Josh offered. At this point, I was too far in to take back my lie about being drunk. I had already mentioned his blue hair. He would know that something was… _wrong_. 

“Er, uh, mhm,” I said awkwardly. I reached into my pockets and scraped out my keys. 

“I like your pants,” Josh said when I handed him the keys. Our fingers brushed and I swear I saw something light up at the contact. I blinked hard. 

“Oh, thanks,” I smiled awkwardly. I was wearing my favorite leather pants. A little too tight on my legs, maybe. But I liked them. Josh liked them.

I shook my head.

There was something in his eyes that flickered interestingly. I didn’t understand it. Maybe it was the color.

“Alright,” he said. He opened the passenger door for me and smiled almost sheepishly at me as I slid into the seat. 

When he turned the key in the ignition I finally spoke up. “I’ve never seen you around before,” I said. My voice was quiet. Uncertain. Wary, of all things. I had to be wary.

Because I was seeing everything in color, and Josh wasn’t.

I rested my head back and closed my eyes. To him it’d seem like I was dizzy and drunk and needed a rest. 

“I just had to move here recently with my mom.”

“Oh,” I said. “Why?” I didn’t know why I asked. 

I stole a glance at him. My eyes went to his hair first—the blue. Then they trailed down the features of his face. His eyes were dark now. Still brown, but not as bright. Black, almost. “Uh, just ‘cause, stuff,” he stammered and rubbed the back of his neck. “So yeah, well, uh, I heard about the open party tonight and figured I’d check it out, maybe meet some new people before I awkwardly go into school half way through the year,” he explained. 

“Oh.” I didn’t press the subject, although the colors around him sort of dimmed ever since I asked the question why. I hummed a little and lazily turned my head to look out the window. The colors blurred as we sped through the world. I didn’t like how they looked—blurry. I shook my head and tilted my head the other direction. Josh was frowning a little, his eyes trained on the road. I turned my head again to look forward and saw that we were now at a red light. 

It was weird how my eyes and brain already knew that that color was _red_.

“I just realized I never told you where I lived,” I said quietly. My cheeks heated. I didn’t have to imagine that they were turning a shade of pink. My stomach hurt. Maybe my face was turning green, too. I had to keep my eyes closed in order to function properly in his company—in the company of color, too.

“Oh, shoot, I just realized I’ve been subconsciously driving to my house,” he replied. His voice was light and funny. I glanced at his face again. I couldn’t stop myself. I couldn’t control my curiosity. I wanted to see how the colors changed around and within him when he spoke about and felt different things. 

“Mm, that’s okay,” I said absentmindedly, closing my eyes again. “You’re missing the party though,” I regretted. 

“Eh, I don’t even like parties.”

“What about making friends?” I asked guiltily. 

“Well, I’ve already made one, right?” 

At this, my facial expressions had a mind of their own and I was suddenly scrunching my mouth into a shy smile. I was looking at him again. Why did I keep looking at him, when I knew that the colors in my vision weren’t the same for him? Did I like the pain it would cause? Or did I just want to play pretend for a little while, because it was nice to have a friend?

“Yeah,” I breathed. The colors faded again, but they were still there. They were bright around his eyes and lips. They were darker around me. Josh smiled again. I wanted to see that smile more. I didn’t know this boy but I wanted to know him. I was slipping into the trap I desperately tried to avoid for eighteen years. I always kind of knew this would happen though. It was my fate. It would be my destruction, perhaps. But at least I’d enjoy my time while I had it. “Yeah, you have.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unrequited !! oh no !! welcome to hell !! 
> 
> i don't think this will end up being too sad of a fic tho, dw. some bumpy times ahead but i'm pretty sure it'll get happy :)


	5. The Situation's Becoming Dire

“How are you feeling?” Josh asked. He put my car in park at the curb in front of his house. It was a small, one-story ranch type place. Even in the dark night, I could see the dead grass of the front lawn through the flickering, yellow street lamp.

Josh turned to me in his seat. I turned to him too. The amount of color even in the weakly lit car was overwhelming that I was getting a heartache. I still felt a little dizzy. I had never had a drop of alcohol in my life so I wondered if my symptoms now were similar to an overly drunk person. 

He wore a concerned facial expression. The main color radiating form him, besides the sea-like blue, was a confused and stressed purple. 

“Um, I think I’m sobering up a bit,” I said, coughing awkwardly. “But thanks for, y’know, making sure I don’t crash my car,” I said with a forced chuckled. Josh grinned and nodded.

“Cool, it’s no problem. Where do you live?”

“Uh,” I squinted my eyes to see the street signs around us. “Where are we?”

“Park Highlands.”

“Oh I live in Woodward. How are you going to get home if you drive me?” I blinked. 

“That’s like a twenty minute walk, I think?” he said. “I don’t mind.” He shrugged his shoulders.

“I’d feel bad.”

“I like walking. Especially at night. Nice to think,” he said. He shrugged his shoulders again. I studied his face carefully—I couldn’t help it. When he first approached me, he wore confidence like a smock. Now we were sitting here and I could see his hand shaking around the steering wheel a little and a permanent yellowish anxiety vibrating through his cheekbones that the smock forgot to catch—or that it couldn’t catch anymore.

He sighed a little. “Alright, well,” he said as he started the car again. 

“You know where it is?”

He nodded. “I memorized the map.” 

“Lots of time on your hands or something?” I laughed. 

He shrugged his shoulders yet again. I dug my nails into the leather of my seat, his indifference making me see a little grey. I didn’t want to see that again.

It didn’t last long, though. It molded into the blue again. The colors made me feel things I didn’t expect I needed to feel. I felt so much more alive.

But then I was reminded that he wasn’t seeing them too—and that was killing me.

The drive to my house was only a short five minutes. “You sure you’re good?” Josh asked, parking my car. “You won’t get in trouble or anything for being drunk?”

“Yeah, I’m fine now, they’re probably asleep anyways, it’s fine,” I mumbled. “Um, thanks.” We both got out of my car. Josh tossed me my keys. I didn’t catch them, my hands were shaking too much and they fumbled down to the ground. “Oops,” I said. Josh laughed. I couldn’t help but smile at the sound as I scooped up the keys. I locked my car and then turned to him. “Hey, uh, will you text me when you get home safely?” I asked. I dug my phone out of my pocket and handed it to him nervously.

“Oh, yeah, of course!” he took my phone and then handed me his in return so we could put our numbers into each other’s contact lists. “Thanks,” he said when we swapped back. 

“Okay, well, uh, thanks again,” I mumbled, shifting on my feet. He smiled happily. 

“Well, meeting you was probably better than some shit high school party anyways,” he grinned. My heart started to beat really fast again. The colors were getting brighter. “I don’t even know why I bothered to try and go out anyways. I never do.”

“Yeah,” I laughed a little. “Neither do I.”

Josh frowned suddenly, his face looking like he realized something. “Wait, did your friends ditch you or something? What happened?” 

“Oh, uh…” I swallowed hard and shook my head. I couldn’t think of anything that would go along with my lie of being drunk. 

“Went off by yourself?”

“Yeah, yeah. I needed air. I was there with my brother.” That wasn’t a lie at all, at least. “I’m a bit irresponsible, I guess,” I muttered. 

“It’s cool, we all have those nights.” Josh reached over and patted my shoulder supportively. I saw flashes of pink at the content. I blinked hard. “Take it easy tonight, Ty. It was nice meeting you,” he grinned again and started to turn away. He held up his phone and motioned it to me. “I’ll make sure to text you when I’m home.”

“O-okay,” I said, my voice not very audible. “Have a good one,” I smiled awkwardly. He turned fully and started to walk back into the direction of his house. I sighed and breathed. I breathed again. I didn’t bother going into my house. I took a deep breath, a strong inhale, and sprinted past my house and throughout my backyard, into the forest.

I ran as far as I could before I hit the river. Tree branches attacked my skin as I ran. I didn’t try to move them away. I found my clearing. I collapsed to the ground onto all fours. My chest heaved. 

I let out a scream. 

I could see it all now. I gripped my hand into the grass and ripped some up, squinting at the pieces I now held in my palm. They were green. The ends were a bit yellow. Brown soil collected in the creases of my hand. I crunched my fist and pounded it into the ground. I screamed again. 

I could see it all now.

I could see it all now, but more than that: I could _feel_ it all now. I felt the joy and the life and the affection and the compassion. But I didn’t feel it back. I was living my life in color now for someone who only saw black and white. I felt sick.

I didn’t want it. I was alone in this. Lost in the color with no hand to hold. This was even worse than being alone in the grey. I screamed again. I brought my hands up to my face and clawed at my eyes again. I saw the dirt and the blood under my fingertips. 

I could see it all now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor ty !! thanks for reading and saying nice things about this guys! it means a lot. have a nice night. don't think too much. |-/


	6. Half A Soul Divided

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tyler's family has had enough with his behavior, and he has to make a few changes. the color is making him feel dizzy and he can't get josh out of his head. 
> 
> \- there is some mention of self harm throughout this chapter -- briefly and mainly implied (nothing graphic), but still, just so ya know, it's there.   
> \- and just in general mental illness and stuff kinda mentioned in here, as a broad thing, but no details, it's just a skim

I couldn't feel my skin. 

I slowly awakened into consciousness and slightly rolled over. My face pressed into cold soil and twigs. I was still in the forest.

Numb. I sat up and blinked a few times. The colors flooded into my sight. I swayed a little in my spot in the forest, my brain spinning and everything a little blurry. 

I touched my shaking fingers to my face. I felt the cuts on my face that my own fingernails created. They still bled a little. I saw the red on my hands as proof. 

My head shot up at the sound of shouting. I flinched. I knew it was my family—my parents. They were shouting for me and they were mad. I could practically see the red spotting my vision already and I hadn’t even faced them, yet.

I stood up and shivered. My shirt and pants were wet from the morning dew. My hands shook as I made my way through the hazy forest. The greens weren’t as bright and luscious as I expected. Everything was a little dull. Maybe that was because it was the end of winter. Or maybe it was because in order to see color so fully, you had to have a requited relationship. I shook my head and blinked. I didn’t even know Josh. Being heartbroken wasn’t exactly what I would call it. It was more like… _disappointment_.

It hurt when I closed my lids really hard because of the scratches I had made across my eyes. My eyes weren’t fully open. Maybe that was really why everything was so dull. 

“What do you _mean_ he never came home?” my mom shouted at my brother. I crept behind a tree and listened to them. 

“I mean… I don’t know where he could have gone? I saw him sitting outside and he was talking to some guy. And his car is here. I don’t know! I told you I wasn’t going to be babysitting him all night. I was with Tatum. He probably went for a walk, don’t worry so much,” he sighed.

“Zachary, you know I can’t just not worry about Tyler. He’s a mess. I’m scared.” She started to cry. 

“Mom,” Zach sighed. His voice softened. Like the perfect son he was. “I’m sorry.” 

I approached the house nervously. I opened the back door and heard my mom gasp. “Um, I’m sorry,” I muttered.

“Tyler Joseph!” she rushed over to me and wrapped her arms around me. It surprised me. My family never abused me but I didn’t exactly get the most love out of all my siblings. Zach and I were closest in age, we basically grew up together, but I hardly saw Jay or Madison. They were busy with their own lives at school and sports and basically any time I could potentially cross paths with them, I was either in my room or taking a walk. I didn’t even go to church with the rest of the family. I couldn’t get myself out of bed half the time. They stopped making me go. 

“Tyler, what are we going to do with you?” My mom pulled away and looked at me sadly—Zach was right, she did have pretty eyes. I didn’t say anything, though. Her sad look turned into horror. She gently traced her index finger over the cuts on my face. I didn’t know how bad they were. I saw more red on her fingertips though.

Zach looked at me with wide eyes and then disappeared. I sighed. 

“I’m sorry,” was all I said again.

“Tyler, you leave me with no choice… we can’t go on like this… You have to start going back to Dr. Notman, or I have to take you somewhere… Something!”

“No, mom. I hate him.” I shook my head. The colors around me blurred and made me dizzy. My heart was throbbing. I felt my phone buzz into my pocket—Josh popped into my head. I barely even knew him and he was already making me feel even more dizzy. “I have to go.” I started to leave but she grabbed my arm.

“No, damnit, Tyler!” she cursed. She never did that. “We’re fixing this. I’m taking you to the psychiatrist. Something needs to be fixed. I’m calling today to get you an appointment. And you’re _going_.”

I frowned. “Yeah, ‘cause it’s as simple as shoving a bunch of pills into my system,” I glowered, lashing out even though deep down she didn’t mean it like that. I knew she cared about me. She just didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do.

“You’re sick!” she exclaimed. She shook her head and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “I don’t know how to help you. They will know.” She sighed again. “I’m going to make a few calls. Just—just don’t go anywhere, okay? Stay in the house. Clean yourself up a bit,” she said, her voice sad. I nodded and mumbled another useless apology. I didn’t know who it was for—her or me.

I trucked up to my room, grabbing a clean towel from my shelf and walking into my bathroom. My face was a mess. I was ashamed. I wet the towel and dabbed at the sore scrapes that littered my face, mainly around my eyes. It looked like a vulture had tried to peck my eyes out. 

I didn’t look too long at my reflection. I cleaned myself up a bit but left the bathroom—the mirror—hastily. I didn’t want to know what colors I’d see.

When I got back into my room, I remembered my phone—and Josh. I took a deep breath and pulled it out of my pocket. Luckily I hadn’t crushed it through the night sleeping in the forest.

I had two texts—both from him. _“Hey I got home okay!”_ That was from last night. The next one was from this morning, about eleven: _“Hey dude, want to hang out today/tonight?”_

I caught myself grinning. I knew it would be a bad idea, but talking to him would only hurt me—and only me—in the end. No matter what I did, I would always be in a little bit of pain. The sadness would always exist as a coarse layer that coated my bones. 

I texted him back. “ _Hey, I can’t today, sorry! Another time though?_ ”

I sighed and sat down on my bed. My body was sore from sleeping in the forest all night. My face was stinging. My pillowcase was an ugly, off-white.

I blinked.

The room they were putting me in for the next week or so had an off-white color to it, like my pillowcase. After a long talk, my mom had ended up taking me to the ER, afraid that I would hurt myself again, or worse. I was afraid too, so I didn’t object. They had taken my vitals and evaluated me more than three times over the course of several hours, and I had explained to them what happened—full detail, not leaving out anything. 

I laid in the bed for the entirety of the first day, except because I was underweight they made me go to dinner. They also gave me some pills the first night so I could sleep a full twelve hours without interruptions. It actually did help. I dreamed of color but it strangely made me happy—I dreamed of Josh’s hair. I dreamed of clouds and the sky. I dreamed of his laugh and the way his face scrunched up like a cat. I had only seen it happen once but I knew I wanted to see it more.

I spent the next day in bed, too. That was normal for new patients; I had spent three days in my room at the beginning of my very first hospital trip, skipping everything except the required doctor and therapist visits. This time was a little different, though. I had to go to meal times and they gave me a lot more medication throughout the day, so I wouldn’t freak out when I saw too much color. 

I let myself daydream about Josh during the free time we had after the eight am breakfast on the third day. He was nothing more than a dream to me, anyway, so it couldn’t hurt to think about. I wondered what kinds of things he liked. If he liked music. What TV shows he watched. If he had Netflix and maybe would want to watch it together sometime. I wondered if he’d be cool with being just my friend. He didn’t even have to know that I saw color. I wouldn’t want to make him feel creeped out or like it was his fault or something.

I continued through the next few days with the routine vitals check up and therapist visits. I avoided the group therapy sessions, apart from the pet therapy one. It was surprisingly helpful, getting to hang out with puppies for an hour and a half. I decided that when I got out of here, I would ask my parents if we could get a dog. 

Eventually I was sitting in a chair in front of a woman at a desk. She was going over the paperwork that had been collected the past week, about my vitals and habits throughout the day and how I answered those questions we were asked every session and every night: “rate your depression from 1-10” and “did you accomplish your goals today?” 

I found out that I was just really depressed and angry. Maybe the anger would keep me going, to prove the universe wrong or something. I liked that idea. It was the universe’s fault, after all. It chose these things: who was soul mates with who. It didn’t want me to be happy. It made me miserable. It had split up my soul so much that it couldn’t be matched up with anyone else. 

She organized all of my new medications and prescriptions, and then she cleared me for discharge. 

The hospital trip had blurred by with the colors of yellow and purple. Soon I was back in my room at home, still bored like I had been during free time at the hospital (which was almost the entire time), still hurting (but at least my head was screwed on a little straighter now), still thinking about a possible friendship with Josh (I was planning on texting him the next day), and mostly just still staring into my off-white colored pillowcase.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading guys!! all your comments make me smile so so much. honestly. thank you so much. i hope you're enjoying this! can't wait to progress with this story soon. let me know if you have any fun joshler ideas for this story, like where they could hang out and things they could say and do. :)


	7. You've Stolen My Air Catcher (And I Don't Know If I Want It Back)

The colors seemed a lot dimmer when I woke up the next morning. There were no bright contrasting shades. It was all a monochromatic scale of pale blue, almost grey. Almost back to grey. My time at the hospital and the combination of pills that I had to take now was to blame for that.

I sobbed into my pillow. I hadn’t cried in so long. I clenched my fists up, gripping at my sheets. I hyper extended my elbow. I punched the mattress around me. I brought my hands up to my hair and pulled.

I didn’t really know why I was crying. Because the color was artificially being taken away from me? Or because maybe it wasn’t artificial: maybe the universe had realized its mistake. 

I screamed at my ceiling. I pulled my hair tighter. I couldn’t breathe. I screamed again, clenching my fists and scratching my scalp with my fingernails. I screamed and growled and shouted a why at my ceiling. A loud, raspy _WHY_ at the place where my ceiling fan used to hang. 

“Tyler!” my bedroom door swung open and in came my mom, looking at me with horror and concern. Mostly horror, though. Her irises were fading to grey.

“Tyler!” she shouted again and grabbed my hands from my hair. “What is wrong with you?”

“Nightmare,” I lied with a gasping breath. “I’m sorry.”

She sighed lightly. “It’s okay.” She gently ran her fingers through the top of my hair. “Come downstairs and take your medicine. I’ll make you breakfast, too, okay?” She said sweetly. She was trying. 

“Okay. Thank you.” She left my room and I took a deep, shaking breath. I wrapped my arms around myself tightly and rocked back and forth. It was what I needed. 

I changed into fresh clothes and splashed my face with water, of course avoiding the mirror. I still wasn’t ready for those colors. I especially didn’t want to look now that they were all fading back to grey.

It was just me and mom this morning. Dad was away on work and all of my other siblings had sport practices. I quietly nibbled at the waffles she had made, until I felt my phone buzz on the table.

I swear the colors brightened a little around me when I saw it was a text from Josh. 

_hey are you free at all this weekend?_

I bit my lip. I felt bad because I had told him that we could hang out another time just last Saturday. I was afraid to, though. All I could see was the brightness of my phone’s screen, which emitted an almost blue glow. I turned my head to look outside. I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or happy to see that it was a murky, not-blue day. 

“Who texted you Tyler?” Mom asked curiously. 

I shrugged my shoulders. “Just a friend,” I said as nonchalantly as possible. 

“Oh!” She smiled. “Who is it? From the hospital?”

“Umm, it’s a him, and uh, no, school. Just moved here.”

“Oh, that’s sweet honey. You should have him over.”

I shook my head. “Nah.” I put my phone down. She sighed. 

“Tyler—”

“Don’t force things on me, mom.”

“So, what? You’re going to just go back up to your room now to be by yourself? It’s not healthy.” I knew she wasn’t trying to be put out with me, but I could tell she was frustrated. There was so much she didn’t understand. She was trying for me but it was trying on her. I felt bad. I wasn’t letting her do her job as a mother because I sucked as a kid so much. 

“Okay,” I shrugged my shoulders again. She didn’t know about my color situation. Maybe she’d be more understanding if I told her. But I didn’t want to talk about it. I wanted to keep it to myself. 

I wanted to bask in it. I clenched my fists and blinked hard. I felt my heart rate begin to accelerate.

I bit my lip and picked my phone up again. I texted him back. _Hey, I’m free, what’s up?_

“I’m sorry Mom. I don’t mean to be so difficult.” 

“I know, Ty. I’m sorry I’m not so patient some times.” She reached across the table and placed her palm over the top of my hand. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” I sighed. “I’d like to maybe go to church with you guys tomorrow,” I said quietly. My hands were shaking. I wanted to go for other reasons. I wanted to see the colors. I felt my stomach twist. I wanted to see the way light flashed through the colors through the stained glass windows. I needed to see it. I needed to see more. 

_sweeeet let’s do something. Ive been so bored. Were you at school at all this past week? I don’t know anyone in my classes_ , Josh texted back. 

_I wasn’t at school all week ‘cause I was sick, _I typed first. I paused. Addiction ran through my blood. I was about to take a dangerous path but it seemed like everywhere I turned the ground had spikes and poison and I was going to die anyway. I added to the message: _what do ya wanna do?___

___oh no im sorry! What did you have??_ _ _

__I subconsciously picked at a scab on my forehead. _just a bad bug.__ _

___ohh okay. Glad you’re feeling better!! do you skateboard at all? We could chill at a park or something to get out of the house_._ _

__I looked at the sky again. It was starting to drizzle. I bit my lip. It seemed like a good excuse to not see him tonight. I had to hold myself back. I had to let things turn to grey. I couldn’t feel the color again. It would probably kill me._ _

___It’s raining, idk._ I knew I was being rude to him, and I felt bad, especially because he was new to the area. But he probably made a ton of friends at school, so why did I matter? Once he knew how weird and closed off I was from everyone there, he wouldn’t want to hang around me. I had to let him go. I didn’t even have him and yet I still had to let him go. _ _

___aww c’mon it’s just a little rain! It won’t kill us. I gotta get out of my house_ , he texted back quickly. A second message popped up: _please?__ _

__I picked at my nails nervously. It would probably be good to get out of the house… the color blue was so lovely._ _

__I sighed and texted Josh back. _okay, yeah, sure_. I took a deep breath to get rid of the nervous twists I felt in my stomach. This was a bad idea, but _the color blue_. It was so good. _ _

___sweet!! want me to pick you up??_ _ _

__I glanced at my mom. I didn't want her to ask questions. "Mom I'm going to go to the music store in a bit, okay?"_ _

__"Sure Tyler, that sounds fun."_ _

___that's okay, I'll drive! I owe you one anyway, haha_ _ _

___lol true okay! Come get me in a few?_ _ _

__I smiled because the text made Josh sound a little eager. It was just a text though. I was probably interpreting it wrong._ _

__I went back to my room and changed out of the pajamas I was wearing. I put on a black t-shirt and black skinny jeans, a plain look as always. I slipped on my socks and vans and sighed. I liked the black because it didn't hurt my eyes to look at. Colors would be too much._ _

__I lifted my left wrist and traced over the black bands tattooed into my skin. I still had more tattoos I wanted to get but these were the most important. Colors were too much._ _

__I shook my head and put a backpack on, which held my earphones and small skateboard. I didn't skate a lot and I wasn't very good but if it was something Josh liked to do, I didn't mind. It could be fun._ _

__After a second thought, I bit my lip as I swapped a red beanie off of my floor, resting it snug on top of my head. This color wasn't too much. I needed it a little bit. Red. Funny that I didn’t really know it was red before I started to see color; I always thought it was a dark grey. In that world—the colorless one—those kinds of details didn’t matter._ _

__I texted Josh that I was on my way after he sent me his address. I mumbled bye to my mom and hopped into my car. I haven't been in it since Josh drove me back from the party last week. I took a deep breath as I started the ignition. Time passed dangerously hazily with my thoughts, I smeared past a yellow light-- _how did I know it was yellow before I was able to see color?_ \--and I rolled through a stop sign. I shook my head and blinked hard when I arrived at the end of Josh’s driveway._ _

__“Hey stranger!” Josh grinned with excitement when he got to my car. I couldn’t help but smile back and also suck in a breath. _The colors._ Everything suddenly seemed a lot brighter._ _

__And _pink_. _ _

__I bit my lip to keep myself from saying anything that could blow my cover. I had to blink a few more times, the pink hair catching me off guard because I had been anticipating the blue for so long. But it was okay. It was more than okay. “Tyler,” Josh laughed suddenly, reaching over and gently shaking my shoulder. I swear I thought I saw flashes of color erupt out of his fingertips._ _

__I looked up from his hand, humming. “Breathe, man,” he chuckled a little._ _

__I took in a shaky breath and blinked. I forced out a laugh. “What’s up?” I tried to act casual. Josh smiled easily and sunk into his seat._ _

__“What happened to your face, Ty?” he asked while I drove to the closest skate park. He gently reached over to touch the scratches that littered my face, and I blinked extra hard when he removed his hand to get the colors out of my line of vision. They were so intense with his small gesture that I almost thought I’d have to pull over. My mom has touched my face before but it never felt like that. I wondered if you really needed to see colors in order to truly feel things._ _

__I blinked again and did my best to plaster on a fake, joking smile. This was the classic alibi and I had a feeling Josh could read through it, but it was also the excuse that stopped questions from being asked. Whenever someone mentioned cat scratches, you kinda just knews not to bring it up again. “You haven’t met my cat yet,” I chuckled awkwardly._ _

__Josh bit his lip and nodded. “Vicious one you got there, then,” he commented. I shrugged and turned into the parking lot of the park._ _

__“Vicious life,” I muttered._ _

__“What a week you had, then,” he continued. “Attacked by your own cat, bad sickness, oh! And a sloppy Saturday night,” he teased._ _

__“I was not sloppy,” I protested, blushing because I had spoken with my defensive, high-pitched voice that I usually never used because I spent most of my time mumbling under my breath._ _

__“How were you after that, anyways?”_ _

__I bit my lip and we exited my car, skateboards under our arms, scoping out the park. “I was fine, just a headache the next day,” I lied awkwardly. “But, yeah, quite an eventful week, I guess,” I added, rubbing the back of my neck._ _

__“Yeah, man. It’s okay, you were all funny and dazed, it was great.” He dropped his skateboard down and rolled it back and forth under his foot. “Y’know,” he looked up at me with the brightest eyes, his face scrunching up and his cotton candy colored hair flapping in the light wind, “if we stay friends,” he winked, and I almost dropped dead, “that’s definitely going to be my favorite _how did you two meet?_ story.” _ _

__I laughed and put my skateboard down too. I did what he had done, too, testing out my footing on the board. I wobbled a lot more than he apparently did. “Was it really that interesting? Besides the fact that you had to drive a stranger home, I don’t remember saying anything too memorable,” I laughed. Josh shrugged and dipped down into the bowl. I nervously stepped on my board and followed him, holding my breath when I went down the little hill and scooped back up on the other side. I stopped when I got to the other side, but Josh continued to whiz by in circles of colors. I let out a shaky breath._ _

__He bounced up to me and grinned. “You didn’t say much, but you’re memorable, so,” he shrugged and then dipped down into a different bowl. I had to blink a few times in order to keep my eyes from falling out of their sockets._ _

__I swallowed thickly and followed him through the park. He skated a lot better than I did. I realized I was spending a lot of time watching him instead of following him._ _

__“How was your first week at school?” I asked, to spark a conversation._ _

__Josh scrunched his face up, this time in an expression of disgust instead of excitement and adorableness._ _

__“To be honest, I don’t really give a shit. I’ve never been into school.” He skated a few feet away and jumped up on a railing, sliding down the bar. When he spun off of it he kicked his board up and held the top. I leisurely skated closer to him._ _

__“Sometimes it’s hard to focus,” I offered._ _

__Josh smiled. “It’s okay, I know it’s bad that I don’t try. I don’t really have a plan. Or, I guess I do, but it’s a shitty one and I don’t have a plan B.”_ _

__“What’s that?” I asked._ _

__“The drums. I love the drums. I need to do music.”_ _

__“That’s amazing, Josh. I feel the same way about music.”_ _

__“Really?? What do you do?”_ _

__“Piano and sing, mostly. The occasional ukulele strum, too,” I smiled._ _

__“That’s sick!”_ _

__“Yeah! We gotta jam together sometime,” I suggested. Josh put his skateboard down and rolled a little ways away, doing a trick before answering. I grinned._ _

__“Definitely. One hundred percent.” He did another kick flip and dropped into the bowl, skating around on the sides, nearly horizontal. “Hey, Ty, you’ll introduce me to some people at school, right? I don’t care about the classes but being lonely isn’t exactly on my wish list,” he asked casually. I continued to skate around so he couldn’t see my face fall._ _

__“I don’t really have friends to introduce you too,” I said quietly. “But, I mean, there’s a lot of nice people, I just isolated myself a little too much last year.”_ _

__“Oh, I’m sorry Tyler,” he apologized. “I understand that, though.”_ _

__I shrugged, pausing to take a breath at the edge of the bowl. “I used to be on the basketball team. There were some cool guys I knew,” I said, frowning as I thought about everything in my life I threw away because I just _had_ to go a little postal. And then, to cover up the whole same gender soul mate thing and to sound like your typical nineteen year old straight guy, I added: “And the cheerleaders aren’t too bad, either.” _ _

__I swear I saw his cheeks turn pink but maybe I was just hypersensitive to that color._ _

__“Why don’t you play anymore?” he asked._ _

__I sighed. “A passion thing, I guess. And similar to your music thing. I didn’t really care about the game. Not like my parents wish I did. But I do miss it.”_ _

__Josh hummed. “Would they let you back on the team for this upcoming winter season?”_ _

__“Maybe, I dunno. I left on good terms, I bet coach is bitter though. I, uh, I was pretty good,” I said awkwardly._ _

__“Nice! Well you should definitely try out again then, to end high school on a good note. One of us has to, at least.” I furrowed my eyebrows, going to ask what he meant by that, but he continued. “And next time, we can shoot some hoops or something when we hang out.” He glanced at me with joking eyes and bit his lip a little. “I feel like we’re pushing our luck with no accidents happening yet.”_ _

__“Shut up,” I laughed, nudging his shoulder. My hand tingled at the contact; I clenched my fist behind my back._ _

__He laughed. “I’m just playin’. You ride well.”_ _

__“Thanks for your superstar approval,” I mocked. Josh snickered and climbed up a half-pipe. He gave me a _follow if you dare_ look. Of course I did. I stood on the edge of the drop and glanced at him._ _

__“Hey,” Josh started, scooting closer to me. He set his skateboard down at the edge, one foot on and ready to drop down. He smiled warmly, warm and bright, a deep yellow-orange, like the sun. “I like your beanie.” Then he zoomed by on his board. I grinned and watched as he successfully made it to the other side. In a split second, he was next to me again._ _

__“Thanks! It’s red,” I blurted. I coughed a little. “Apparently.”_ _

__Josh laughed and gave me a funny look. “Good to know.”_ _

__I didn’t try the half pipe out, it was a little intimidating and I was perfectly fine with watching Josh skate up and down it a few more times. After that, we ended up sitting on the edge of a half pipe, our feet dangling, just talking. Even though the sky was grey, I could still see the blue, and now the pink, and some yellow and green in a vibrancy that I’ve never seen before._ _

__I had never really had conversations with someone like this. For a few hours, I was somehow able to forget how something in this universe glitched so badly—or maybe someone up there or down below was out to get me, determined for my ultimate misery—and gave me an unrequited soul mate. All I could think about in the back of my mind while in his presence was how _right_ Josh was for me. Our words and thoughts fit together almost effortlessly, everything felt right despite how wrong it actually was._ _

__In a quiet moment my mind wandered: was it something about me, or was it something about him, that had made the stars alignment fuck up so badly?_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so so sorry this took an entire month to get out to you guys! i was in a bit of a writing funk but i am slowly inching my way out of it. thank you for reading and commenting and stuff, it means a lot!!
> 
>  
> 
> edit: sorry if the formatting/italics are off! idk why the formatting isn't working but things that sound lke text messages should be in italics :)


	8. Friends Fertilize the Ground You Walk (Lose Your Mind)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY IM BACK

School Monday was different. Instead of passively floating through the halls and mindlessly completing my work, I was breathing sharply, anxiously, or maybe it was excitement, anticipating running into Josh. 

I never did. But I found out that he was in my last period senior study hall “class,” because when the monitoring teacher called attendance, my eyes snapped open and my chest heaved at the sound “Joshua Dun?” and I looked wildly around the room with my eyes for someone who wasn’t there. 

After attendance, we were allowed to leave. It was a privilege that everyone couldn’t wait for since freshman year, getting let out of school at 1:45 instead of 2:20. I put my earphones in and solemnly walked to my car that sat in the senior parking lot. I tossed my bag into the back seat and sunk into the driver side.

I went to plug my phone into the AUX cord to play some music through it instead of my earphones. I tossed those into the back, too. I always liked to sit and listen to music a little before I got to driving, so I leaned back and closed my eyes. They snapped open soon after though at the sound of a notification ringing through my phone. 

It was Josh, and my heart leapt. We had texted a little bit the rest of the weekend after hanging out, until Josh stopped replying. I didn’t really care because I wasn’t much of a texter, and even during our conversations he seemed a lot more enthusiastic in his messages than me. I also was trying to hold back a little, fearing that I’d either get too attached or that he’d find out my secret. 

Nonetheless, I smiled at the fact that his name had popped up on my phone’s screen. 

_are u at school still??_

I texted him back quickly, lowering my music: _yeah, I’m in my car. what’s up?_

_do u think maybe u could please give me a ride home?_

I furrowed my eyebrows but agreed anyway. _yeah, sure! Where are you? you weren’t in study hall?_

_had a meeting with my counselor. Where’s ur car parked?_

I told him my parking spot number and not even two minutes later, he was tapping on my window. 

The colors today were a little darker for some reason. I wondered if that had anything to do with his hood being up, casting a shadow over his face. 

I nodded for him to go to the passenger side of my car. He let out a shaky sigh when he sunk into the seat. 

“Hi.”

“Hey.” He turned quickly to face me. “Do you want to hang out actually?”

“Oh!” I blushed for some reason. “Yeah, sure,” I nodded. “You can come to my house if you want. Whichever, or whatever, yeah,” I shrugged. 

“Your house sounds good, yeah,” he said, letting out a light sigh. It almost sounded like a sigh of relief, but I knew I was getting ahead of myself. 

I smiled a little and nodded. “So, what was your counseling meeting for? If that’s okay to ask?” I asked timidly, turning to look at him and wondering why he still had his hood up.

“Oh, um, just graduation stuff, making sure the school has all of my transcripts and… yeah…” he mumbled. I nodded but looked at him with furrowed eyebrows. He was very grey today, an unsettling grey. 

“Are you okay?”

His back straightened. “Why wouldn’t I be?” He lifted his hands up and swatted his hood off of his head, turning to me with his bright and crinkly smile. 

“Oh, I don’t know,” I shrugged, smiling back. “Just making sure.” 

I put my car into gear and started to drive home. “So do you have homework and stuff to do?” I asked.

“Nah, not really. You?”

“Nope. Not due tomorrow, anyways. What do you want to do?” I asked. 

I saw him shrug from the corner of my eye. “Just chill I guess? I dunno.”

I couldn’t help but frown. He seemed off for some reason. The colors were telling me so.

We were quiet for the rest of the car ride, and while it was only a couple of minutes, it felt like an hour. I wasn’t uncomfortable, though, only concerned that _he_ was. 

“You said you played music, right?” Josh asked. I smiled.

“Yeah! I have a key board and an electric drum kit in my room if you wanna jam or something,” I suggested. 

“That’d be awesome.” He turned his head to me and smiled. It was then when I noticed the bruising on his right cheekbone, where murky, dull colors emitted, almost forming a cloud around his entire body. “I gotta hit something,” he mumbled. 

Alarmed, I didn’t say anything. I blinked hard a couple times and took a breath, kind of shaking my head. There was a lot of red around Josh, right now. A threatening, scary red. I wasn’t sure if it was scary for me, or for him. 

I pulled the keys out of the ignition when we got to my house. “We’re here,” I said with a scrunched up mouth and wide eyes, trying to make a goofy face but in the back of my mind I knew I just looked like a lunatic. 

Josh smiled, though. “Word.” We exited the car and I took a breath as we walked inside.

“Ty is that you?”

“Yeah, hey mom. I brought a friend home.” My cheeks heated. We walked into the kitchen. “Um, this is Josh. Josh, my mom,” I introduced them. I wanted to melt into the tile floors. 

My mom smiled excitedly. “Aw, wonderful! Hi Josh, it’s great to meet you.” 

_Don’t go in for the hug, don’t go in for the hug,_ I chanted in my mind. She went in for the hug, though. 

Josh chuckled. “Hi Mrs. Joseph, it’s nice to meet you too.” 

“Umm, we’re gonna go upstairs now,” I mumbled awkwardly. Sure I’ve had friends over before and I was normal about it, but the underlying context of Josh and the whole being gay thing was unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I felt like my mom could see right through me. I wished that she could; I wished I was invisible. 

“Okay boys, have fun! Josh, we’re having spaghetti for dinner tonight and you’re welcome to stay!” 

My cheeks lit on fire again, but Josh was smooth. But I guess he had no reason not to be, though. “Thank you!” 

I rubbed the back of my neck and led Josh upstairs. “She’s sweet,” Josh said.

“Um, yeah, she’s a good mom.” I smiled softly. I gave her Hell a lot of the time. I really didn’t deserve her. 

“You’re lucky,” I thought I heard Josh mumble. 

When we got to my room, I immediately felt uncomfortable again. It felt like he could look at my ceiling and my walls and know everything I’ve felt and thought in here. I knew he couldn’t, though. I could see it all but to him this was a normal, messy high schooler’s room. The spot my ceiling fan used to hang wasn’t that obvious. He’d only notice if I kept looking at it, drawing attention to it. It didn’t help that my eyes flicked there every couple of minutes. 

“Nice room,” Josh commented. 

I blinked hard. “Oh, thanks,” I said. My music set up was in the opposite corner of my bed, a keyboard again one wall, the electric kit against the other. Close together because normally it’s just me playing, going back and forth between the instruments when I record. 

“So you write music?” Josh asked. He plopped down at the end of my bed, leaning his back against the wall. There was a window next to him. Sunlight crept through the blinds and sparkled on his skin. He glowed. “Oh, sorry, is this okay?” He asked, patting his hands on my bed. 

“Yeah, yeah, you’re good,” I smiled. I liked him here. My room was less dark with his presence. Even with the murkiness around his face today. “Yes, I have a bunch of songs. They’re shit, though.” 

“Hey, I’ll be the determiner of that!” Josh smiled. “Well, I mean, if you want to share them. Do you share them with people?” He blushed, his cheeks glowing like his hair, pink. 

I blushed a little too, looking down. “Um, I haven’t shared them with anyone yet, no. But if you want to hear one, I’ll play one, if you really want,” I stammered a little. I never wanted to share my music with anyone else before, but I really wanted to share with Josh. But would he think it weird that I was so eager to share with him, a guy I barely know? I decided to tone it back more. “Sometime. Maybe next time.”

“I understand. I look forward to it, though.” He smiled gently. My heart flipped. 

“Hey um…” I bit my lip. “Can I ask what happened?” I tapped my cheekbone, referencing his bruise. 

“Oh. Yeah, uh… It wasn’t the cat,” he said with a light tease. I scrunched my face up, completely forgetting about that stupid lie. _Stupid!_

“Ah…” 

“Sorry, Tyler. You don’t have to tell me I didn't mean to corner you like that.”

“It’s okay, I guess we both have things to hide,” I blurted. _Stupid!_ I coughed awkwardly. 

“Well, I kind of could use a friend to talk to about it, if you’re up for serious talk?” Josh asked. The corner of his mouth lifted up into a half smile. 

“A friend, yeah, of course.” I blinked a couple times. 

“Well, wanna sit and not just stand in the middle of the room then?” He laughed. 

“Oh. Oh yeah, yeah,” I blinked more, nodding, and awkwardly shuffled to sit next to Josh. I was very conscious not to sit too close or too far. “Do you wanna talk first or?”

Josh shrugged. “What’s up?” 

I sighed. Josh couldn’t see my thoughts and history plastered against the walls of my room like I could, something I was afraid of, but here I was about to spill it all to him, after only knowing him for a week. I tried to be vague. But the warm pink and blue undertones radiating from his chest made me feel like I could tell him everything. I tried to put a filter on. 

“Well I don’t have a cat. I wish I had a dog, though. Dogs are so comforting. They have therapy sessions with dogs at the hospital. I really got a lot out of that,” I said. _Stupid!_

“Hospital?” Josh furrowed his eyebrows. He turned to look at me more directly, folding his right leg as he turned. His left leg still dangled. I copied his movements so we were facing each other. 

“Yeah, I wasn’t sick last week. Well, like the normal way. I spent a week for mental health reasons,” I said, looking down shamefully. 

“Oh. That’s okay Ty, you don’t have to hide that from me, okay?” he said. My hands clammed up. “I’m glad the dogs helped you.” 

I smiled a little. “Yeah, they just love unconditionally. Like nothing matters to them. They don’t need color or anything, either. They just want to love, like they are soul mates with everyone.”

“That’s sweet. We could learn a thing or two from dogs, probably.”

“You got that right.” I smiled more and bit my lip, keeping my gaze down. 

“So like… your face though?” Josh pressed. 

“Oh, yeah. My face. I…” I sighed. “I guess I had a bit of a breakdown… scratched myself and stuff,” I said lowly. Josh breathed out an _oh_ but didn’t say anything for a couple minutes. 

“Why your face? Your eyes?” 

“Seeing and feeling is connected,” I said quietly. “For me.” 

Josh _oh_ ed again. “I understand.” 

I looked up at him finally. He had a grave look in his eyes and a dark purple flowed through the subtle veins under the skin of his face. I blinked a few times. “Um, my dad’s an alcoholic. An angry one.” He gently tapped his bruise. “He wants to love my mom. He hates us. But he’s unhappy and even when he’s drunk seeing color, he doesn’t…he’s angry…I was in the way…” 

I gasped a little. “Oh no.” I involuntarily adjusted myself to be closer to him, gazing at him with concern. “I’m so sorry.” 

This time, Josh was looking down. “It’s why we moved here. The neighbors were going to call the cops. We had to leave the state. I didn’t really have a say in it.” 

“I didn’t have friends there. I didn’t try making friends. I was too scared to become color crazed, like my dad… I didn’t want to fall into the trap… but I did. I did.” Josh sniffed. 

My eyes widened. “You see it?” I whispered. “Or, saw it?” I tried to disguise my dread.

Josh looked up. His eyes didn’t tell me that he saw it, though. Could I be wrong? My heart pounded in my chest. 

“No, no, not the real way. Not the natural way. But I got a taste of it. A taste of alcohol, a taste of the color. I don’t know why the hell it’s so important but it’s addicting. I want it so bad.” Tears bubbled out of his eyes and I grimaced. “You can’t see it but I died my hair pink when I was drunk. Because I love color so much, I get drunk to see it. I have tattoo plans revolving around bursts of colors. I don’t even know if I want the love part of seeing color. I just like the art and the magic of it all…” he trailed off. I winced a little, disguising the sharp inhale of breath with a cough. I blinked a few times. 

“I’m afraid I’m going to turn into _him_. But I like the sunset, and cotton candy colors, not black and blue…” 

I didn’t know what to say to comfort him. He whipped his eyes with the sleeve of his sweatshirt. “I’m sorry, I dumped all of that on you. That was weird of me.” 

“No, no, you’re good Josh, don’t worry. It’s going to be okay,” I said. I reached forward instinctively and patted his arm supportively. “I’m sorry it’s like this,” I said to him, but also to myself. “But I’m here for you. I’m the same way with all that. It’s why I don’t drink.” 

“Except last weekend you did?”

 _Stupid!_ “Well, yeah, except then, but it was a mistake. Hence the hospital trip… yeah…” _Nice save, dumbass,_ I thought. 

“We’ll get through it together,” Josh said with a small smile.

“This color thing makes us all insane. But we can have calmness and friendship in the grey,” I said, feeling like I was going to choke on my words because my throat was so tight. 

“Yeah, thanks Ty. That makes me feel better actually. Friendship is just as great as being with a soul mate. Fuck this world. I like being your friend.”

I smiled, though my heart sunk even though I wasn’t expecting this to go any other way. It just felt way more painful than I ever imagined. “Yeah. Yeah, I like being your friend, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been 2 years... if it wasn't for the people still commenting on here, i wouldn't have the motivation to continue this story. So thank you for that! I just lost motivation to write, lost the inspiration for this specific story and set of characters, and got busy with other life things. I'm sorry for neglecting :( I really really really hope that the people who loved this story before i left for 2 years are still around. I hate the idea that they waited for me for so long but won't get to see that i actually did bring this back. UGH. If i had known, i would have tried to come back sooner. I"m so sorry! 
> 
> Anyways, here's a real update. i hope it's okay. Is anybody out there? 
> 
> thanks for reading xo <3


	9. I Want To Be Alive (When You See My Eyes)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more of that slow burning build up of feelings for ya before we jump into ~action~

I was thankful that Josh had dyed his hair blue hair to pink. The haze I woke up in every morning, the murky, grey-like blue I saw, was unsettling and I was growing to hate it. Still, every morning and every night, I continued to take my prescribed pills, the color dulling medicine that made my life less intense. My life was balancing between the safe danger of grayscale and the overwhelming exhilaration of full color. I was stuck in the middle, most likely forever uncomfortable, forever unsatisfied. 

“Hi mom,” I said, walking into the kitchen one morning. I gulped down my medicine. She looked at me sympathetically. 

“Hi baby. How are you feeling today?”

“I’m okay,” I said honestly. “I’m sorry.” I hadn’t apologized to her yet, not really. “I know I cause a lot of problems for you.”

“No, no, Tyler. I’m sorry. I feel like I’m always yelling at you. I’m just scared for you, okay? We just want you to be healthy and happy,” she said gently. 

“I know mom. I’m trying.”

“I know you are, sweetheart. You’re doing well. I’m happy you’ve made a friend. I like him,” she said. 

My heart skipped a little. I was happy she approved of Josh, even though it didn’t mean anything that special to anyone else but me. “Yeah. It’s nice having one of those,” I agreed. I meant it, despite the dullness. I probably wasn’t cut out for intense living, even if it was intense in a happy way. I only knew the destructive side. But still, I was too dull to really care or do anything about it.

I looked up at my mom, who was looking at me carefully and intently. Searching for something that wasn't there. Or, something that I was still hiding from her. I knew that if she knew I saw the color, specifically unrequited for Josh, she wouldn’t let me see him again for my own safety. I couldn’t let that happen. 

“Mom, I have to tell you something,” I started. This would throw her off a little, maybe keep her from looking into my eyes as much. “I know that Zach found someone. I know you were trying to keep it from me. I’ve just been thinking about that a lot.” It was only a half-lie.

My mom’s shoulders sank. “Oh. I’m sorry Tyler. We only wanted to protect you. We were afraid you’d get too upset. Did he tell you?” 

“I understand, really. No, I can just tell. I know he has a girlfriend because I heard it at school. And I can see how different he is. I’m happy for him, it’s okay. I’m just sad… in general” 

My mom blinked and nodded. “You’ll find your person one day, Tyler. You’re a good kid.”

I bit my lip and sighed. “Or maybe I won’t.” A lie because I already did. “I can’t let it rule my life anymore.” A lie because I would still let it. 

She smiled empathetically, patting my hand. “The most important thing is for you to just do what you love and live whatever life God hands you to the fullest. I’m proud of you, Tyler.”

I smiled back, picking up my backpack from the back of a kitchen table chair. “I’ll see you later.”

Maybe this was how it was meant to be, for me. Maybe a color-induced ecstasy wasn’t sustainable unless you were happy by yourself, _with_ yourself first. Maybe I would always be like this, the universe not letting me find the happiness with another because the depression hugging my bones took up too much room. 

 

I felt down the rest of the day, floating through the school day solemnly, like I wasn’t actually there. The realization that I was the reason I was the way I was and I would probably always be like this was really sinking in, and weighing my shoulders. It was the greyest day yet, including the days before meeting Josh. I didn’t realize that the color could come from within me, too, emanating around me differently and projecting on my surroundings depending on my mood.

Nonetheless, things lightened up with I saw Josh at lunch. “How’s it goin, buddy?” He greeted me cheerfully. So cheerful, matching the now bright, almost neon yellow dyed hair. Luckily I was in a placid mood today, so I didn’t outwardly react to the change. I loved it, though. 

“I’m okay,” I said. 

Josh took a bite out of an apple. Juicy and red. “Just okay?” His eyes crinkled. 

I smiled a little. “Yeah, just okay,” I admitted, biting my lip. The brightness in Josh’s aura faded a little, which surprised me. “How are you?”

“I’m having a good day,” he said with a toothy grin. 

I hummed. “I’m glad to hear that. What’s up?”

Josh started talking about his day. He was finding success in some of his classes and was excitedly talking about the music theory class he was signed up to take for next quarter. He was even letting himself make friends in gym and other classes. “I’m much happier trying to make relationships with people, y’know? Anything is better than being lonely.”

I nodded. “That’s cool, Josh,” I smiled softly. I felt a little green with envy. I hoped he couldn’t tell.

“Yeah, man.” He took another chomp out of the apple, wiggling his eyebrows as he did. I chuckled lightly. It made me happy to see him in a good mood; I only wished I could imitate that. Josh could rise above the shitty things in his life and keep a smile on his face. Meanwhile, there was nothing shitty besides me getting in my own way. “Hey, no lunch?” he noticed. 

I looked down at the table. My hands were folded in the place where I normally would have my packed lunch. I wasn’t hungry today. Even though I felt empty. “I guess I’m not feeling so great today,” I said. “Sorry Josh, not trying to squash your good mood,” I added worriedly, looking back up at him. 

“Ay, no worries, you’re good. Wanna talk about anything?” he looked at me intently. 

I shook my head. Words decided to come out anyway. “Why do you stick around me when you’ve made other friends the past few weeks?” My cheeks warmed. It probably wasn’t a fair question, but it was bugging me. He could be sitting anywhere else right now, but he chose to sit with me, the loner, every day. “Y’know, like, you don’t have to pity me or anything,” I added lowly. The grayness was practically spilling out of my mouth. 

Josh frowned. “I don’t pity you,” he said. 

“I’m sorry, it’s just hard not to be a little insecure when there’s a hundred other people in this school who are genuinely nice and happy and fun to be around. I’m a grey blob.” 

Josh snorted a little. “Everyone’s a grey blob, silly. You’re the least grey, to me, at least. Don’t worry about other people so much. I like hanging out with you.” 

The corner of my mouth twitched up a little. “Oh.”

“I’m not really one for big crowds. Gosh, Ty, give yourself some credit, you’re fun and interesting and different and cute,” he rambled. My cheeks heated more. If I wasn’t mistaken, the colors around Josh got warmer as well. “Anyway, school is out in a bit so it doesn’t even matter. I like making acquaintances with people but I’d really rather make only one good friend that counts and means something.”

“Oh,” I repeated, looking down. 

“…And I just so happen to choose you, Ty, because you mean something.” 

I looked back up at him. “Thanks, Josh. You mean something to me, too,” I said quietly. I blinked hard once. _More than you’d ever probably know._

“Don’t sweat it, buddy,” he grinned. “So are we hanging out today after your session?” he asked. 

I perked up a little. “If you still want to, totally.” 

“Okay, cool. I’ll meet ya at your house around 4ish, then?” I nodded. “Word. Hope you feel better Ty,” he said sincerely.

I smiled. “Thanks Josh. See you later.” 

 

I blinked a couple times in a row at my new therapist, Dr. Renna. Since my last freak out, my parents and I decided that it was best not to go back to him. He wasn’t bad or anything, he just didn’t work for me and I had too many bad times panicking around him that I needed to start fresh somewhere else. 

Unfortunately, that meant starting from the beginning. 

“Well, Tyler, I like to start sessions with talking about your goals for therapy, and general back ground information. How does that sound?” 

I shrugged. 

She smiled sympathetically. “Alright, well, you have the floor Tyler. I’m here to listen.” 

Dr. Notman had spent a lot of time calming me down and talking to me, rather than me actually talking. This was an interesting start already. 

“Um. Well I guess I just need therapy because I… have to learn better ways to cope?” I tried. She nodded but encouraged me to continue. “Er, I get really depressed but also anxious and overwhelmed. And I have a history of, uh, self-harming…” I bit my lip. “And I get really caught up in my head and need to get things out in a healthier way, I suppose. So I guess I should use therapy sessions as check points for how I’m feeling and how I’m dealing with things.”

“That’s good, Tyler. How do you think coping mechanisms for situations in your life will manifest in here?”

“Um… I dunno,” I said lowly. She waited. “Um, like, I guess what happens is that I feel like my head is going to explode so I run away and scratch at my face and pull my hair to try and relieve the pressure or get things out. So I should just focus on talking about them and… I don’t really know. Just talking about things instead of freaking out all of the time.” I shrugged again. 

“Sure, sure,” she nodded along. “What do you think is the biggest thing that gets you anxious or depressed?” 

I sighed. “You probably hear this a lot.”

She smiled encouragingly. “It’s okay.” 

“The stupid color thing. I get existential about it. Like, I’m supposed to believe and love in God even though I can’t see Him, right? But then when it comes to actual people and love with them, it’s not real or believable unless you see it, the colors I mean. I just think it’s all twisted and I get so worked up about it,” I ranted. 

She nodded. “And, and, like,” I blinked two times, “I get _so_ worked up about it, and then I shut down and I’m depressed about it and just let myself blend into the gray scale, y’know?” She nodded again. “And I realized this morning that maybe it won’t ever work for me because I’m depressed, like there’s something wrong with me, not the system or whatever you want to call it. Like there’s no room for love.” I started to tear up. 

“I’m really sitting with your statement, Tyler, about blending into the grayscale. I’d like to focus on that for a little bit, if that’s okay.” 

I furrowed my eyebrows. “What about it?”

“Well,” she started as she crossed her right leg over her left, “Of course, correct me if I’m off target here, but it seems like to me a lot of your anxiety and resulting depression is generated by not the fear of seeing, but rather the fear of not being seen. What do you think about that?” 

I couldn’t really find words to respond to at first. I bit my lip and blinked a few times, mulling it over. “Just something to think about or an interesting conversation to have about things. Talking about this from different angles I believe will help you work through your feelings. But it’s okay to disagree with me,” she continued.

“No, no… I think… I think you might be right. I never thought of that before,” I said. But then, my own lyrics started to float through my mind. Things I have thought about, subconsciously considered, but didn’t get the chance to properly talk about because I was too busy having anxiety attacks every time I had a therapy session with Dr. Notman. 

_“I want to be alive when you see my eyes…”_ I whispered. 

“What’s that?” Dr. Renna asked. 

I shook my head. “Nothing, nothing. Um, I was thinking. It’s not enough for just me to see the colors. It hasn’t been enough because he doesn’t see them back. It means nothing for me to see. I see him and it’s so beautiful and uplifting but he doesn’t see me. He doesn’t see me.” 

Dr. Renna sat back in her chair, pursing her lips. “Tyler? You’re seeing colors then? Right now?”

I nodded, blinking really hard once and then staring at her, my bottom lip quivering. “He doesn’t see me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading :) lemme know what u think and if u have any suggestions i'm all ears ! im a bit disconnected from this community since i was gone for so long so i do not know what the people want and heck if i know what i want


	10. I Can Feel Your Breath (I Can Feel My Death)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lights camera action :O  
> short & sweet

It was Friday night. Josh invited me to go to a party with him, a house party the basketball team was hosting. He said it could be a good opportunity for me to rekindle some of the friendships I used to have with them, and that they would totally welcome me. Of course I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to go to a party, firstly. I also was too scared to really face the team. Sure, I had seen them around at school, but I was the type to avoid eye contact and keep to myself. It would be weird if I all of a sudden started to try. 

I encouraged Josh to go without me. He did. 

I had other plans. 

There was a bottle of Grey Goose Vodka in my parent’s liquor cabinet. Things were too dull for me with my combination of meds and not being around Josh. I wanted to give color a real try. Maybe I could shake off the fear of not being seen by Josh or anyone and just enjoy the colors for myself, by myself. _For myself_. Like Josh, who loved colors for the art of it, but unsure about the love aspect. I could just be like him. 

I knew it was a bad idea, but I was never the self-care type. I laid on my back in the forest, at my spot, the clearing, and stared at the sky, a quarter of the bottle empty and in my system. The ground moved underneath me. I sprinkled some green grass on my face and giggled.

“ _I know, where you stand. Silent in the trees,_ ” I sang, my eyes tracing the trunks of trees that surrounded me, leaning over me almost as if they were looking at me, too. _Seeing me_.

“ _I can feeeeeeeel your breath._ ” There was a slight breeze that skated across my flushed cheeks in a whirl of blue. “ _I can feeeeeel my death._ ” I laughed and sat up, my head lolling to the side a little because it was so heavy. “ _I want to know you,_ ” I started to stand up, one foot at a time, “ _I want to seeeeeeeee. I want to saaaaayy…_ ” I jumped up and down. I spun around in circles, my arms outstretched, still gripping the neck of the bottle. I took a swig and then screamed. “ _Hello!_ ”

“ _Hellooo, hello, hello, hello,_ ” I sang and laughed, dancing around to different trees and running my fingers along their bark. “ _Na, na, na, na,_ ” I giggled.

I wasn’t even focused on the intensity of the colors around me, anymore. I was simply _feeling_. 

When I was done spinning, I wobbled and held my hand against a tree to steady myself. I laughed. Josh had to see all this! I took my phone out.

 _hey joshy_ , I texted him. 

_haha hey there tyguy, what’s up?_

_i did a thing_. 

_what’s that_? 

I giggled to myself. The trees were spinning around me in a flash of green and brown. _I wanted to see the treeeeeeeees_

_what do u mean?_

_the pretty colors! but it’s so silent out here_

_oh boy haha. drunk ty is at it again! u ok??_

_i am fab. how’s the party?_ I bit my lip and took a settled breath, sliding my back down a tree so I was sitting. I balanced the bottle between my knee cap and my mouth. 

_it could be better. if you were here._

“Haaaa,” I laughed, gripping the bottle with both of my hands as I leaned to the side, as if I was leaning into a friend for support but no one was there and I ended up on the ground. 

_sorry:(( not my scene_

_and what is your scene my dude?_

_this forest._ I sighed and turned my face into the ground. 

_how ominous of you. may I join?_

I laughed and sat up. I grinned. I bit my lip excitedly. I took another swig of the vodka. The bad taste of it was completely gone, now. It just burned. 

_if you can find me, pls._ My eyes fluttered dreamily. “If you can see me,” I said quietly. 

As I waited for Josh, I started to sing again. “ _I can feeeeeeeel your breath. I can feeeeeel my death._ ” I took another drink. “ _I want to know you… I want to seeeeeeeee… I want to saaaaayy…_ ” 

“Hey there!” I stopped singing and jolted my head to the right, my eyes widening at the beautiful sight of Josh, standing at the edge of the clearing. “You sound great.” 

“Josh!” I hissed with excitement and bounced up onto my feet, grabbing the tree for support again. “You’re so colorful,” I mused, giggling in his direction. 

Josh smoothly walked over to me, holding my tree as well. “It’s nice to be drunk in color with someone I actually like, for once,” he said, smiling so his eyes squinted and his teeth flashed. I giggled again. I knew I was probably being a fool but I didn’t car and Josh didn’t seem to care either. 

“Green, like the trees,” I said, reaching up and touching Josh’s freshly dyed hair. I ran my fingers through it. It was softer than I ever imagined. I couldn’t believe how colorful things were right now, but I felt everything way more. Like my eyes couldn’t handle seeing it all and so the sense of touch had to take over. 

“You like it?” Josh asked with a small smile. He reached for the bottle dangling from my other fingertips. I handed it to him and watched as he took a large swig. My stomach fluttered with butterflies at the sight. His jaw flexing, his eyes fluttering shut… 

I had to sit down. I patted the spot next to me. Josh grinned and plopped down. his arm was touching mine. I felt so warm and overwhelmed and giddy in the most amazing, ridiculous way. I knew deep down these feelings wouldn’t last but I couldn’t care less at this point. I leaned my head on his left shoulder. 

“Haha you’re my best friend,” I said. 

“Aww Ty. Thanks for being a great friend to me. You’re my best friend too,” Josh said. His left arm reached upwards and wrapped around the side of my face, his hand patting the top of my head. Like I was in an affectionate headlock. I giggled. 

“Do you think it’s creepy out here?” I asked, looking up at the sky. Josh’s hand remained where it was so I had to look through his fingers. I didn’t mind. His hand was warm on my face. His fingers so close to my lips… My heart pounded vehemently in my chest. 

“Maybe if I was sober and by myself,” Josh considered. He shifted his hand back so it brushed through my hair a few times. I closed my eyes. Then he dropped his arm. At first I was disappointed but then all of a sudden his arm was around me normally this time, swung over my shoulders instead of under my chin. I shivered. “But not with you. It’s safe with you,” he murmured. I turned my head to look at him. Because his arm was around me, our faces were already so close. 

He lifted the bottle of Grey Goose to his lips and took a drink. His face crinkled at the taste of the vodka. I was probably drunker than him because I no longer had that kind of reaction. 

I couldn’t repeat the sentiment to Josh, about being safe with him. Josh was dangerous for me. Josh would be my destruction. It wasn’t his fault, it just was. But he didn’t have to know that. I bit my lip shyly and blinked hard a couple times. 

“Whatchya thinking?” Josh murmured. I frowned a little. “I know you’re thinking something because of the way you just blinked,” he said with a gentle smile. My cheeks warmed. Josh brought his far hand, the one around my shoulders, the one that had previously been dangling lazily over my chest, closer to my cheek, tickling my face. “Look at you blushing,” he laughed. 

I hummed. “I’m just thinkin’.” Josh raised an eyebrow. “Do best friends snuggle like this?” This time it was his face heating up. “Look at you blushing,” I teased. He started to drop his hand but I was feeling bold, or, rather, drunk, and stopped him with my own hand. Our fingers loosely intertwined. My heart continued to pound. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Josh said so quietly I barely heard him. What exactly he was referring to, I didn’t know. But when his face started to lean in, I had the same thought: _it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t see the colors back for me, it doesn’t matter that we’re drunk, because I’m going to kiss him anyways._

__

And when we did, my eyes instinctively shut. I didn’t need the colors around to feel the tingling sensation of Josh’s lips against mine. 

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .... in which they kiSS ! 
> 
> thanks for reading : )


	11. The Night Will Turn To Grey

When I opened my eyes, everything was blurry. For a moment, my mind was completely blank. All I could feel was the heaviness in my head, the dizzying room, the knot in my chest and churn in my stomach that told me I was going to throw up. I did. I raced to my bathroom and hugged the toilet seat, my body vibrating.

 

“Oh, fuck,” I groaned. As I started to come to my senses a little better, my eyes adjusted. My body vibrated again but not because of the nausea.

 

Everything was grey. The dullness was so intense that color seemed to be completely absent, except when I looked in my eyes in the mirror they were bloodshot—red. “Oh,” I cried, throwing up again. My lips tingled. Oh god, the last thing I could remember was kissing Josh. Or, he kissed me, right? But where was he now? How did I get back to my room? “Oh, fuck!”

 

I was still wearing my clothes from last night. My phone was in my pocket. I pulled it out. No messages from anyone—nothing from Josh. I shot him a text. My heart pounded.

 

 _hey_ , I started. _…What happened? Lol_

 

I set my phone on the counter, throwing up a little more.

 

“Tyler? Tyler are you getting sick right now?” I heard. My mom rushed into the room. I groaned and scooped up a towel, wiping my face with it.

 

“Mmm yeah,” I said, sitting up against the wall of the bathroom and closing my eyes. There weren’t even bursts of color as I shut my eyes tighter. All black.

 

My mom started talking to me again but my head was pounding so I tried to block her out. “Tyler… are you… hung over?” she asked slowly.

 

“Um. Yeah,” I muttered, opening my eyes slightly to glance at her reaction. As expected, she looked pretty shocked.

 

She didn’t look angry, though. Her face twisted, like she was trying to make herself look upset with me but she couldn’t quite get there. Probably because for once, I was getting myself into normal, typical teenage trouble. “I’m sorry,” I said.

 

She pursed her lips. “I’ll get you some alka-seltzer.”

 

“Thanks, mom,” I mumbled, sinking down the wall a little. I picked up my phone and checked to see if I had any messages from Josh. Nothing. It was still early, though. Maybe he was sleeping off his hang over. But how did he get home?

 

I bit my lip and decided to send another message, suddenly a little worried about him. _are you home safe?_

 

I sighed. I pressed my hands into my thighs and hoisted myself up. I brushed my teeth and wobbled back to my room. My mom had placed a cup of water and alka seltzer tablets on my bedside table. Luckily she wasn’t asking any questions right now. I dropped them in and watched the water fizz up, momentarily mesmerized. _Maybe I’ll get more of an earful once my killer headache goes away_ , I thought as I flopped face down on my bed.

 

\----

 

The next time I peeled my eyes open, my body still felt weightless but my headache was gone. I grunted, rolling over on my side. I blinked a couple times, really hard, to make bursts of color appear. But everything remained grey and dull.

 

“Fuck,” I cried. I reached for my cell phone to check my messages. It was two in the afternoon and there were no texts… nothing from Josh. Somehow that managed to make things a lot duller.

 

\----

 

“He lives!” Zack cheered when I finally dragged myself down stairs at four.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” I waved him off, shuffling to the fridge to grab a Gatorade.

 

“Electrolytes,” Zack approved. I rolled my eyes and sat at the kitchen table across from him.

 

“What are you up to?” I asked. I stared at my hands, shaking from lack of nutrients most likely but also anxiety probably. I hadn’t started a conversation with Zack in almost a year. We used to be able to talk about anything.

 

“Waiting for you, actually.”

 

“Why?” I bit my lip.

 

“I wanted to talk to you.”

 

“Did mom put you up to this?” I muttered.

 

“Can you just look at me for a sec, Ty?”

 

Sometimes I forgot I was the oldest sibling. I glanced at Zack. He was looking at me sincerely. Everything around us was dull but his eyes were a little brighter. His color seeing eyes.

 

“What do you remember from last night?”

 

“Umm.” My eyes fluttered shut for a second and I subconsciously found myself licking my lips. The last memory I had was the kiss with Josh.

 

“I was out with Josh. Aaaaaaaand I got super drunk. I don’t remember how I got home…” I said with a wince.

 

Zack laughed a little. “Hmm, thought so.”

 

“You’re being all mysterious Zack what is up?” I groaned. “You know something I don’t, don’t you?” I hunched over the table and buried my head into my arms, trying to recall something. _Anything._

 

Zack laughed lightly again, but reserved. “Yeah I saw you fools barreling in last night.”

 

“Um. Both of us?”

 

“Yeah you were wayyyy drunker than Josh, practically belligerent. You weren’t making any sense. You were like a mush of a person. It was amazing.”

 

“Great,” I muttered. “And Josh?” I raised my eyebrows.

 

“You were trying to get him to stay but his dad called him or something, I dunno.”

 

My eyes widened. _Oh no._

 

“No don’t worry. His dad came and picked him up. He didn’t have to walk home drunk,” Zack reassured, not knowing that that wasn’t what I was worried about. 

 

I suddenly felt sick again and my body shuddered. What if Josh got in trouble? What if he was hurt? 

 

“Thanks for putting the pieces together,” I mumbled. I put my palms on the table, prepping myself to stand up.

 

“Wait, Ty, that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about, though,” Zack said. I raised my eyebrows at him, waiting. “Um…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I just like, want you to know that I’m here for you and I support you, okay?”

 

At this, I sat back down, peering at him carefully. “Um, thanks Zack. I know I’m usually off the deep end but I’m here for you, too. And Maddie and Jay, of course… I’m sorry,” I stammered.

 

“No, no, it’s okay, Tyler. I’m just saying. We’re family regardless of anything. I just…” He sighed. “I don’t mean to put you on the spot, but I have to ask you something.” I raised my eyebrows again for him to continue. “Are you gay?”

 

My face immediately flushed hotly and my eyes widened. I couldn’t answer him right away because all of a sudden the kiss with Josh played on a loop in my brain. 

 

“Zack,” I mumbled, too embarrassed to say anything else. I hadn’t given my sexuality much thought before. I was always too caught up in my own head to consider how I felt towards other people. I never imagined it would be relevant to my life. 

 

“Sorry, that was dumb to ask.” 

 

I sighed. “It’s fine. I guess I am. Or bisexual, I dunno. I don’t know many girls. Or guys. I don’t know.” A sense of dread overwhelmed me. “What did I do?” I groaned. 

 

This time, it was Zack who was blushing. I could faintly see some pink on his cheeks. Everything else remained grey. Or maybe, a faded, unsaturated blue. Thinking about Josh again made things brighten up a little. But then I was thinking about his possible state with his dad and my state with him and things were back to grey. It was constantly fluctuating. I was dizzy.

 

“You didn’t really do anything, you just had a certain look on your face,” he laughed lightly. His laugh was short lived, though, as his face took a solemn turn. “I recognized it… if I’m not wrong, Ty, it seems like the same face I have when I look at Tatum…” 

 

I shuddered. I couldn’t hold back. I started to tear up. I was miserable. “The blackout last night and resulting hangover is making everything dull. My meds make everything dull, too. But when I’m with him… Zack, I see the colors.” I put my head on the table and started to cry. I hadn’t been so vulnerable around my brother in a long time. “And he doesn’t see them back.” 

 

“Oh,” he breathed. 

“But he saw them with me last night when we were drunk and it’s the closest I’ll ever get,” I cried. 

 

“Tyler I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say…” 

 

“...it’s the closest I’ll ever get and probably never will get that again…” Distraught, I stood up. “I need to sleep more,” I mumbled. 

 

“I just wanted to see if you’re okay and let you know I’m here for you. I know it must be really hard I’m sorry--”

 

“Not your fault,” I assured. “Thanks, Zack.” 

 

I walked out of the kitchen, back upstairs to my room without another word. I guess it was nice of Zack to check in, and maybe it felt better to have him on my side and in the know, but now I was overwhelmed with grief. Last night probably ruined everything with Josh, if he even remembered what happened. If he was okay. If his dad ever let him out of the house again.

 

I checked my phone again. It was almost five. Still, nothing. I sent him one last text: _Josh?_

 

I threw my phone at the wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm totally not at my internship right now writing fan fiction..nope... not at all... 
> 
> hi sorry it's been a while! expect slow but steady updates! I hope you enjoy! I'm trying to expand my stories so there's more character/familial relationship development because that's something I enjoy reading in other people's fics but I never seem to do successfully myself. please let me know of any suggestions! thanks for reading <3


	12. It Will Start To Break Up And Fall Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys :) there's some mention of self harm and stuff in this chapter - nothing graphic, just a part of a conversation, but I wanted to give y'all a warning! ily!

Come Tuesday, I was practically bursting into my therapist’s office for our session. “Tyler, it’s good to see you,” Dr. Renna said with her eyebrows raised. I breathed heavily and sunk into the chair across from her. 

 

“Hi.”

 

“Where are you at today?” she asked. 

 

“Everywhere. All over.” My legs bounced up and down, my knee skyrocketing. 

 

“Is that a good thing or bad thing?”

 

“Mmmm. Bad. Definitely bad. In an anxious way. Everything.”

 

“Okay. What’s going on? What has you anxious, specifically?” She leaned forward with interest and concern. 

 

“Josh.”

 

She hummed, waiting. “He wasn’t in school yesterday.” She waited. “He could be hurt or in trouble.”

 

This time, she reacted more, sitting up straight. “What’s happening?”

 

“His dad is an abusive alcoholic. He was all beat up a couple weeks ago. And he probably got in trouble this weekend. I blacked out and we kissed and his dad apparently picked him up and I haven’t heard from him since and I’m worried he’s either on lock down, badly hurt, ignoring me on purpose, or all three,” I rambled.

 

“Hey hey, slow down--”

 

“I can’t slow down. Everything’s too fast. I’m so anxious and the colors haven’t returned since sobering up and it’s horrible and Josh is gone and it’s all my fault.” I took a deep breath. I was trembling. I blinked a couple of times really hard. 

 

“Okay, so a lot has happened this week. How have you been dealing with the anxiety?”

 

“I haven’t. I’ve just been feeling it. Feeling everything. But seeing nothing.” I started to cry. “I’m sorry.”

 

“You don’t have to apologize to me, Tyler. Walk me through what happened, okay? A walk, not a race.”

 

I nodded. I told her about how depressed I felt all week and how I wanted to see the colors and feel happy. I told her about how Josh and I ended up meeting up and how amazing it was. I told her how I woke up with no memory about how the night ended after we kissed. 

 

“I think this has way more to do with me wanting to see him than fearing him not seeing me…” I said. She nodded, her eyebrows furrowed. “Whatever happens, I just want him to be okay. I realized I can’t handle not seeing him. But more than that I can’t handle not knowing if he’s safe…” 

 

“I’d rather disappear into thin air and never be seen again than live to see something bad happen to him,” I added lowly.

 

She hummed, settling back into her seat. Her eyebrows were still furrowed as she analyzed me. “There’s a huge lack of self worth in your statements, Tyler,” she finally said after a few moments. 

 

I sighed. “No kidding.”

 

“I understand your concern for Josh. That’s all very serious and I encourage you to go to your school counselor about this and express your worries. For now, though, I’m wondering about this… how you’re so quick to dismiss your own life on behalf of others. You’d rather see him being okay, even if that means you’re not okay. You’d rather disappear completely than see him hurt. It’s extreme selflessness, maybe even too much,” she said.

 

I sighed. “You’re probably right about that. I just don’t know any other way to think. I was raised to be selfless, y’know? With my family’s religious beliefs and stuff.” 

 

She nodded. “Maybe I’m extremely selfless on one end, but sometimes I feel so selfish too. Which is probably why I give up on myself completely.”

 

“That’s an interesting point, Tyler.” 

 

I nodded. “In, uh, in one of my feeling selfish and then giving up moments this weekend… I, um, hurt myself again,” I admitted, looking down. 

 

“Oh. Okay, Tyler. Can I see, please?” 

 

I rolled up the sleeve of my sweatshirt and showed her the spot on my wrist, a large bandage covering the area. She nodded and leaned back. I blinked a couple of times. 

 

“What were you thinking or feeling exactly in the moment, and how did you feel after?” 

 

“Um. I was thinking about how I hated myself,” I blinked hard again, “and how everything was so dull I felt like it wasn’t even worth it to exist… I couldn’t really feel anything, I guess? So I thought it would help. I know it doesn’t actually help, but in the moment I thought it would be a good way to cope… I felt horrible afterwards and cried and felt a whole lot of nothing, more robotic than before.” I blinked again, this time tears bubbling out. 

 

“Okay,” she nodded. We proceeded to go over some ways for me to cope differently anytime I felt like I was going to cross that line again. The problem was, I knew that in the moment of these kinds of situations, I wouldn’t be able to intervene with myself with something different, as if I was stuck on that path, as if any other logical solution didn’t exist. 

 

“I understand that,” she said when I admitted my concerns. “I know that when you’re in that place, you’re there mostly because a part of you really wants to be there, as bad as that sounds, which is why it feels inescapable once you get there. But I really urge you to dig a little deeper if you find yourself there again, to try to find a part of you that doesn’t want to be there.” I nodded. “Even if it sounds impossible to you right now. If you just give yourself a couple moments to think it through, it’ll open up other doors and you could perhaps walk away from the desire to harm yourself.”

 

“Okay. I’ll try,” I said. She was right. Whenever I’m in that place, I refuse to think of anything other than what I’m trying to do. But if I could just let myself think for one second when it’s happening, maybe it would pull me back enough. Maybe. If I cared. 

 

I looked up at her. “What if I don’t care enough?”

 

“You have to come up with some affirmations for yourself to go back to, to remind yourself that you’re worth something and that you _should_ care about yourself,” she said. I nodded again. 

 

“Will you help me that that, please?”

 

She smiled. “Of course. I think, also, in crisis moments like these, you should have someone to talk to after you talk yourself from the ledge. Whether that be a hotline or calling our emergency number, or a friend or family member… do you have someone to go to?”

 

I slumped a little. “Josh was my best friend.” 

 

She nodded. “What about family?”

 

My mind flashed to Zack and how he had talked to me a couple days ago. “My one brother, Zack. He’s reached out to me. I should probably go to him,” I said.

 

She smiled gently. “That’s good.”

 

“Yeah,” I breathed. I just had to commit to it. That was the hardest part. I could agree to all these things, make all these plans to keep myself safe, but was I actually going to follow through? I decided to change the subject back to Josh. Talking about myself--taking care of myself--was exhausting.

 

“What do I do about Josh? I still just need to know if he’s okay. I know he’s probably freaked out about the kissing thing, if he even remembers it. How do I let him know that it’s okay? It’s okay that he doesn’t like me like that.”

 

She smiled a little. “I can’t exactly outline that one for you, Tyler. But you have to do what’s best for yourself. And focus on your own well-being. I think maybe reaching out to him one more time, just saying exactly how you feel, letting him know that you’re there for him as a friend if that’s what he wants--and if you can truly handle that--and then letting him go a little, would work.”

 

“Letting him go?” That was the only part that really stuck with me. 

 

“Maybe. But it’s something you have to really concentrate on figuring out. So you can find purpose and happiness for and within yourself.” 

 

I nodded slowly. “I guess… Josh makes me reckless with my own feelings. But we also have had really nice times together just as friends. But just friends probably won’t be enough so I’ll always cross the line into recklessness,” I admitted, contemplating things. “But, letting go? Walking away from it completely? It’s safer, sure, but it’s so dull and boring and sad…”

 

She smiled a little sadly. “You have to find a balance between the two extremes. Even if you don’t let go of him completely--regardless of how things work out with Josh--a little space will help things clear up, so you’re more comfortable and content with just yourself.” 

 

I sighed lightly. “Okay… that sounds good.” I felt a little defeated. Not in a bad way, though. Like maybe I could finally take the reigns of my life, with the help of Dr. Renna, instead of always being so out of control. Somebody was finally shaking my shoulders, snapping me out of it, _helping me_. 

 

After our session, I was mentally exhausted. I intended to go in for help with the Josh situation, but we focused way more on myself than I expected. Then again, therapy was meant to benefit _me_ only; it wasn’t a place for gossip. I wasn’t sure how I was going to balance my life out exactly, yet. I was definitely way more calm, now. I enjoyed the talks with Dr. Renna, even though they could be tough sometimes. She always seemed to ask the right questions and go in directions I never would have expected.

 

I didn’t know what to do next, but I did know that I no longer wanted to be on both extremes of intense feeling and intense lack of feeling. I was miserable and I knew that somehow, I didn’t have to be. Maybe Josh being unresponsive was for the better. If something was truly wrong, I would have probably heard by now. Maybe I could take the rest of the week and go through my life slowly and carefully, taking it day by day, and really consider myself for once. 

 

Or, maybe, I couldn’t. Because when I got home, there was a car parked on the curb, somebody still sitting--waiting?--in the driver’s seat. When I looked closer, I noticed his face was black and blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is mostly dialogue but I enjoy writing his therapy sessions. honestly it's quite therapeutic for myself, haha. Thanks for reading, hope you enjoy! <3


	13. I'm So Very Far From Fine

I felt dizzy. I was seeing the world in what felt like the wrong glasses prescription. Every color vibrated before my eyes. Along with that, my heart was pounding so hard that I could feel it in my throat. It was sickening. 

 

Josh looked up when I parked in my driveway. I looked at him warily. I could easily just go inside and ignore him, like he ignored me. I could cut things off right here and now and move forward with getting better. But the black and blue bruises on his face were brutal. And I cared about him too much, perhaps about me too little. I couldn’t let go that easily. 

 

I sighed heavily to try to steady myself as I approached his car. He nodded to the passenger seat. I timidly opened the door and sat down uncomfortably, blinking hard a few times before I turned to face him. I didn’t know what to say, if anything.

 

Josh looked at me. His eyes were glistening. His hair… how did I not notice it before? His hair was brown. I would say it was a beautiful, luscious dark brown, but the lack of color, especially in this context, was unsettling. 

 

“Ty,” Josh started. His bottom lip quivered and he closed his eyes. “Please don’t leave me.” 

 

I tilted my head in confusion. I couldn’t find it within me to be angry with him. It was all too upsetting. “Leave you? What are you talking about, Josh?” I reached out instinctively, holding my fingers on his forearm. 

 

Josh sighed and sunk in his seat. “I know I’m no go for you,” he mumbled. 

 

My face heated and a knot tightened in my throat. 

 

“I’m no good for anyone,” he continued. 

 

“Josh, can we just talk about it?” I begged. 

 

He sighed again, but nodded yes. He pulled his keys out of the ignition and looked at me. “I probably shouldn’t be seen by your family like this.” 

 

“We can go for a walk?” 

 

Josh didn’t answer. He simply opened the door and stepped out of his car. I carefully followed suit. He started walking up my driveway, around the side of my house, through my backyard and into the woods. To the safety of my clearing, although I wasn’t sure how safe it was now since letting Josh in. Would I feel protected or judged surrounded by the trees? It would never be the same here.

 

I had let Josh in and now he was acrylic paint that I couldn’t peel from my skin, a residue that I didn’t want to scrub away because when I looked at the colors crusting on my hands, it reminded me of the masterpiece that caused it. Josh said that he intoxicated himself for the love of colorful art; for me, Josh was that art. 

 

For him, I was two toned, black and white with no unique shades. 

 

I blinked hard twice when I heard Josh begin to speak. 

 

“I’m sorry for not responding to your messages all weekend.” 

 

I bit my lip. “What happened?” 

 

Josh leaned against a try and sighed, closing his eyes. Even that small action looked like it caused him a lot of pain in his beaten up, swollen face. 

 

“I’m really sorry, Ty. I hope I didn’t screw up our friendship because of what I did. I know it was wrong and I thought I had scared you off and then you were texting me so I figured you were going to get angry with me and never want to see me again.” Josh sat down on the ground, his back against the bark. 

 

Was he talking about the kiss?

 

“Why would you think that?” I asked quietly. 

 

“Because that’s what I’ve been told my whole life. That I screw things up.” 

 

I timidly walked closer to Josh, sitting down in front of him. I kept a few feet in between us, being careful. 

 

“You didn’t--”

 

“And I grew up with violence and lashing out, no matter how big or small the issue. It’s like it’s my default assumption of how people will react. My default. I’ll be just like that.”

 

“Josh--”

 

“My dad was already mad at me for being out late and being drunk a-and he called me a fag--well, he always does, he always calls me that--and it made me really angry because he calls me gay and teases me all of the time as if that’s a bad thing and it makes me feel so confused and wrong and scared and so I yelled at him saying that I kissed you to just rub it in his face. And he went ballistic on me. The worst I’ve ever gotten. I can’t even breathe my ribs are so sore. I thought I was going to break my neck falling down the stairs.” Josh took a deep, shaky breath. When he exhaled, he started to cry. 

 

I felt lightheaded. I didn’t even know what to say. So we were both quiet for a few minutes.

 

“I know you deal with a lot already and don’t need my drama, too. I know that I’m not worthy to be your friend and that I should have sent you a message so you didn’t worry about me not being okay. But I wasn’t okay. I’m not okay. I’m not okay.” 

 

“Josh,” I murmured. I crawled over next to him, still keeping a little space between us but being close enough to be supportive. “It’s okay. I understand. I know your environment is bad and makes you feel worthless and confused about who you are and who you can be. I support you and it’s okay. I’m sorry that he did this to you,” I said honestly, referring to the physical damage but also the mental damage accumulated over the years. I had a hard enough time as it was with my self worth issues even with a supportive family. I couldn’t imagine how much worse it was for Josh. 

 

“I was going to just push you away. It’s always what I do because I feel like I have to. I don’t want to.” 

 

My heart ached. I used to always do the same. I would hardly even make eye contact with other people. And then there was Josh. I didn’t want to push him away, not then, not now.

 

But my therapy session with Dr. Renna lingered in my mind. It made me feel sick. I didn’t want to leave Josh. I didn’t want to confirm his thought that he was no good for anyone. 

 

But what would happen to me if Josh ever met the one who put color into his life? 

 

“I’m sorry, Josh,” was all I could think of saying. 

 

We sat there in silence for several minutes. My heart returned to a normal, gentle pace. The colors calmed down around me. I gazed at the trees leaning in overhead. I took a deep breath. I didn’t have to make any decisions right now. It was okay. I was safe. 

 

But Josh wasn’t, and that was more important right now. “We should go to your school counselor about your dad,” I suggested gently. 

 

“Yeah,” Josh breathed. “The school has their suspicions. I’ve already been called in by teachers a couple times.” 

 

“What are they doing about it?”

 

“Trying to get me to talk about it, mostly. They can’t do anything unless they know the story. I’ve been too scared to tell… But I think I have to, now. There’s no way I can cover this one up. And I’ve missed too many days of school, so I have to go back…” he trailed off with a sigh. 

 

“Well, we can go together, if that will help you,” I said. Josh looked at me with a small smile. His eyes were still glistening but he wasn’t crying anymore. 

 

“Thank you, Ty.” 

 

I nodded, smiling a little back. I tried to push everything out of my head. Even the kiss, which I wasn’t sure if it actually meant anything to Josh or not, felt distant in my mind. For the first time in a while, the light blue sky peeking through the blended green and browns of the trees was enough. 

 

I blinked a few times, but it wasn’t in the normal hard way. I let my eyes flutter and then fixated on the soft colors. There was a balance right now, not too dull and not too bright, since the initial shock of seeing Josh wore off and I knew we were safe in this moment. 

 

The light blue of the sky started to evolve. The sun setting glowed behind the trees. 

 

“What are you thinking about?” Josh asked.

 

I hummed. “The colors are calming me down for once,” I murmured mindlessly.

 

My jaw locked instinctively after I spoke, but it was too late, I had already said it. I turned to Josh with wide eyes.

 

He was looking at me with the same look. “Tyler?” He reached forward to me, his hand gently touching my elbow, and I shivered. His face was laced with concern and sadness. “You see color?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhhh
> 
> thanks for reading guys <3


	14. Leave Me Alone (Don't Leave Me Alone)

My words were stuck in my throat. They knotted up in my pipes like I was choking and I couldn't breathe. I tried to swallow it down but I felt dizzy, swaying slightly as Josh secured his fingers on my elbow. 

 

“Ty?” Josh repeated. 

 

I blinked, clearing up my vision. 

 

I couldn’t exactly pinpoint it, but Josh’s facial expression… he looked… disappointed? I could see it visibly sink into his features along with the aura of a ugly, hazy orange. His brown hair continued to be disheartening. 

 

“Um, I didn’t mean to say that,” I murmured.

 

Josh shook his head. He shifted, leaning closer to me with curiosity. “No, no. I see it now. How did I not notice before?” He leaned back again with a frown. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“Because…” I opened my mouth to start but I couldn’t get the rest of the words out. Maybe it wasn’t all ruined yet. Maybe I didn’t have to come completely clean after all. 

 

“Tyler,” Josh let out a short laugh with my name. I think he was trying to be lighthearted--and happy for me--but it sounded more bitter than anything. “I thought we were friends… I… why would you keep a secret like this from me? I’m not _that_ fragile. You can tell me things like this.” Then, his eyes grew dark as realizations further dawned upon him. “Tyler. We kissed. Tell me you didn’t cheat. What the hell?” He scooted back away from me accusingly. 

 

“No, no, Josh. I didn’t.” I blurted immediately. He didn’t look convinced. He was looking at me like he had caught me in a twisted lie. He wasn’t wrong.

 

Josh just stared at me pointedly, waiting for me to continue. “It-it’s not something I want to talk about,” I mumbled. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell Josh that it was for him. He’d think I was taking advantage of his friendship. He’d probably be even more uncomfortable with our drunken kiss, like I had set that up on purpose… 

 

“C’mon, Ty,” Josh huffed in annoyance. “I tell you everything about me and it’s mostly bad. Why keep something that’s actually happy for once from me?”

 

“Because it’s not happy!” I shouted. I snapped like a tree branch under my feet. My body shook. “I’m not happy.” 

 

Josh sunk into himself a little. “What happened?” He gazed at me carefully. I’m sure he was thinking about those stories where soul mates moved away involuntarily, or died…

 

I sighed and closed my eyes. “The person I see color for does not see color for me back.” 

 

“Oh,” Josh whispered. “I… didn’t know that could happen.”

 

“Me neither,” I mumbled. I kept my eyes closed and leaned back into a tree trunk. 

 

I couldn’t look him in the eyes. “Ty…”

 

I sighed lightly. “I need to be alone.” 

 

Leaves rustled around me. Josh sat himself next to me, leaning against the same tree. “I don’t want to leave you. We don’t have to talk about it. I’m sorry.”

 

I opened my eyes and lazily rolled my head to gaze at him. “Josh…” 

 

“I don’t care. It’s okay. I’ll get you through this. It… color doesn’t have to be the end of the world.”

 

I furrowed my eyebrows at him. He had no idea. 

 

Josh put his hand on my shoulder lightly. “It’s okay,” he said again. And then, he leaned closer, and my heart rate accelerated and I felt dizzy again, and our lips soberly brushed together, and I wondered if he could sense the colors bursting around us. I wondered if he knew they were from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so short, but I wanted to update and also, like, gotta drag it out :))))
> 
>  
> 
> Guys omg. So whenever i write i do incorporate my own life into it because it’s easy to do even without doing it on purpose. But anyways. I never realized how closely this one aligns... I’ve had a crush on one of my really good friends for a lil while and feared ruining our friendship by coming clean. But last weekend we drunkenly kissed. Like. this story is occurring to me irl i’m dying


	15. Don't Be Afraid (We're Going Home)

This kiss only lasted for a short, awkward moment. He pulled away before I could fully react and kiss him back completely. He kept his hand on my shoulder but turned his face away. 

I licked my lips before speaking. “Why did you do that?” 

Josh snorted a little. “Tyler.”

I shivered, his hand still on my shoulder and my lips still tingling from the contact. I honestly couldn’t comprehend what had just happened, because that was _Josh_ kissing me, _soberly_. 

“I didn’t know you saw color. I was going to tell you I liked you today. I was going to apologize for going M.I.A. and I was going to explain more that I was thinking about things a lot the past week and even though it’s scary and unfamiliar, I liked kissing you drunk and I like kissing you sober, too. I just… I didn’t expect the color thing… but because it’s not… not a thing… I just…”

He sighed and dropped his hand from my shoulder. I instinctively reached for his hand, holding it carefully in my hands. I couldn’t find any words to reply to him. 

“I’m sorry if it’s wrong. I don’t mean to take advantage of your situation… I just… I’ve had a crush on you and-and you can still be happy with someone without color!” 

I frowned. For a small moment, I thought maybe the impossible had occurred--i thought Josh was seeing something. Seeing _me_. But he wasn’t. Even with him liking me like this, how could I get over always wishing he’d see me the way I see him? He never would. 

“I figured it would be like this…” Josh whispered sadly, going to take his hand from mine but I only gripped it tighter. “You’re confusing me, Ty…”

“Josh, I…” my words caught in my throat. I blinked hard at him. “What happens if you see color for someone one day?”

Josh’s shoulders sunk. “I know. I thought about that to. I just can’t ignore this feeling I have for you. Even if the universe apparently disagrees… it’s messed up of me to expect anything from you, I’m sorry Tyler. I don’t want to hurt you. You’re right. You’re right. It would be too risky.” 

I closed my eyes. Josh was putting all of the weight of this situation on his shoulders. He didn’t know the other side of the story. 

But, I couldn’t let him know. It would make him feel even worse, as if it was his fault that he didn’t see the colors for me, too. It would complicate things for him even more. 

I reached forward and wrapped my arms around his neck. I hugged him carefully at first, but my hands found his curly, brown hair and my nose rested on his neck and I took a deep breath, tears bubbling out of the corners of my eyes. 

Josh responded the same way, carefully at first but then we settled into each other, his hands flat against my back, slightly rubbing up and down. I felt his lips rest for a moment on my skin and I could feel a part of me permanently leaving when they lifted. 

But then again, a part of me wasn’t really there to begin with, was it? 

“We both want each other but the universe is screaming at us, ‘no,’” I whispered. Josh nodded. 

We pulled away from each other. “What if we tell the universe ‘no’ right back?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowed. 

“And risk hurting each other,” I started slowly. I took a deep breath. “Josh, I see the colors for you.” I was about to lose him anyways. It only felt right to come completely clean.

Josh pursed his lips, but his eyebrows relaxed. “I know.” 

For some reason, the answer didn’t jolt me. We both leaned into each other again. “I didn’t know I liked guys until I met you. That says something, right?” Our lips touched softly. It was addicting. No, not the color. _Josh._

I hummed as we kissed again. _I’m hurt either way,_ I thought to myself. All of my conversations with my therapist lingered in the back of my mind. I kissed Josh. We’d both be hurt if I walked away today and let him go. Who knew if I’d even be able to let go of him. Josh kissed me. If I stayed and we gave this a shot, and Josh found colors with someone else, I’d be hurt. There’d always be an imbalance in the universe. We kissed each other. 

My hands twirled into Josh’s hair. My eyes were closed, so it didn’t matter that his hair was brown and that the trees were green and that my skin was practically grey. It didn’t matter that I was a ghost Josh couldn’t really see. 

I pulled away quickly with a gasp. My thoughts -- for the first time, they were scaring me. These things mattered. _I mattered._

“What?” Josh asked. His lips were red and cheeks flushed the same. His previous grin faded into a frown and his crinkly eyes widened. 

As much as I wanted him regardless of my own well being, or so I thought, something had suddenly shifted within me. I was noticing myself. I had to see myself, first. 

I stared down at my hands. I focused on the marks on my arms and tried to find meaning between them. There was more to my skin than the white scars and the black tattoos. I had veins, blues, purples, and greens. I rubbed my palms together to feel warmth. “Not a ghost,” I breathed out, closing my eyes. 

“Tyler,” Josh said. I breathed in the air again and noticed how it felt funneling down into my lungs. _I exist, I exist, I exist,_ I chanted to myself. 

I breathed out slowly and let my eyes flutter open. That’s when I noticed something else, this time in Josh’s eyes. They were starry. He didn’t even have to say it. I could see already. I could see everything. 

All the colors--they suddenly made sense. They didn’t hurt my eyes or overwhelm me. They weren’t taunting me. They all matched. Every hue had its complement. Josh’s eyes said so. 

“Tyler,” Josh said again. We leaned close to each other again. My eyes felt heavy. Despite all the colors, I wanted them to close. So I did, dropping my head on Josh’s shoulder in relief. This was the rest I needed… perhaps I deserved it, too. 

Josh turned his head and kissed the top of mine. I could still sense the colors around us. But that wasn’t the most important part. It was the vibrancy and warmth of it all. The safeness of Josh’s arms holding me. I quietly cried into his shirt. This was the break I needed. The universe wasn’t against us after all. It was just me against myself, until I decided otherwise.

“I see you,” Josh whispered. “I see you seeing yourself.” I nodded and clutched onto him tightly. “We’re going to be okay, Ty. I see you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ..... the end 
> 
> Thank you everyone who read this story and stuck with me, even through a two year, unannounced hiatus. I feel this story a lot, so I'm happy other people got to experience it with me. 
> 
> Also, I apologize for this late chapter -- school started again so i've been getting back into the swing of things. I probably will be pausing all of my other stories for now, but who knows, maybe i'll be back in a couple years again :P   
> Feel free to message me on tumblr @s0joshdun.


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